Full Name: Tomi Lahren

Nickname(s): White Power Barbie, Potatoes McGillicutty

Screen Name: ItCantBeBecauseOfMyPersonality

Claim to Fame: being a young female voice of constitutional conservatism; being the 8th blondest anchor on Fox News; my club foot

Current Residence: Steve Doocy’s weekend planner

Pets? a shih tzu that is truly a small part of me, so it’s really a piece of shih tzu

What are you reading now? blogs that I already agree with (leisure); Mein Kampf (for inspiration)

Favorite fast food place/restaurant? What’s the opposite of a taco truck?

What’s your favorite game? the Blame Game

Favorite song? Kid Rock’s entire oeuvre; Ted Nugent’s entire oeuvre; The Chicken Dance

Favorite sexual position? abstinence

Favorite drink (non-alcoholic)? Colin Kaepernick’s tears

Favorite drink (alcoholic)? Lahrengitis (Black Haus + 151 + peppermint schnapps until I can no longer talk)

Favorite smell? my riding stables; the inside of a Rolls Royce

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? white bread

What’s under your bed? which one, the four-poster, the California king, the divan, the trundle, the loft, or the chaise longue?

What’s the first thing you think of in the morning? “Where did I put my tiki torch?”

Where is the best place you have ever been? the blogosphere; the troposphere; a screening of the movie “Sphere”. What? I like spheres.

Worst place? France

Pet peeves? compassion

What would you say is your best characteristic? my ability to ignore criticism of any kind; the way I can deflect the question ‘what is the appropriate way black people should protest?'

Worst characteristic? I get drunk off a single wine spritzer; my idea of a hunk is a single Wolf Blitzer

If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be? Jesus Christ, unless he’s dark skinned, in which case the guy from Infowars who yells all the time

Do you believe in UFOs? No. If UFOs existed, there’s no way Donald Trump wouldn’t have let us all know about it over a series of 400 tweets

What did you do on your last birthday? got my learner’s permit

If you could have any job, what would it be? flipping burgers at McDonald’s because if minimum wages go all the way up to a livable $15/hr rate, I could retire in, like, a month

What is the most important thing in life? my opinion

What is your greatest fear? a world where all races and belief systems live in harmony

Have you ever been in love? *puts down the mirror* What? I didn’t catch that last question.

What is your motto? Be true to yourself. If that gets poor ratings, then just say some crazy, heartless shit

What would you like to be remembered for? 100 years. *giggles* I have no soul.



A Sperm    Betsy Ross    Bryan Fenkart    Cleopatra    Dr. Seuss    Edmund Dudley    e.e. cummings    Fats    Gandhi    God Gordon    Henry VIII   Iago from Othello    Jaws    Jessica Simpson    The Jolly Green Giant    Jose Canseco    Madonna    Mario    Mike Tyson    Mr. Potato Head    Pele    The Phillie Phanatic    Pluto    Ponce De Leon    Superman    Tiger Woods    The Tooth Fairy