Full Name: Tiger Woods

Nickname(s): My real name is Tiger – what do I need nicknames for?

Screen Name: NikeWheatiesMasterCard

Claim to Fame:
Keepin’ the white man down

Current Residence:
Hole 17, Colonial CC

Pets? A ferret named Peebles, Craig Stadler (aka the Walrus) is my ‘bitch’

What are you reading now? “How to Spend Billions of Dollars” by Freedy Tombstone

Favorite fast food place/restaurant? Boy, I could sure go for a fantastic flame-broiled Burger King hamburger right now, topped with only the finest vegetables and with 80% more beef than the competition. And some French friend potatoes – mmmm

What’s your favorite game? Spin the Bottle

Favorite song?
“It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones

Favorite sexual position? Anything that gets my balls near the hole

Favorite drink (non-alcoholic)? A refreshing cool bottle of Snapple, in many exciting flavors such as Snapple Apple and the new LavaJava (made with real magma!)

Favorite drink (alcoholic)? I don’t shill for beer companies

Favorite smell? Fresh cut grass, cyanide

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Skittles© Red

What’s under your bed? A putting green with actual grass

What’s the first thing you think of in the morning? “That’s the last time I call Parnevik a Commie!” 

Where is the best place you have ever been? Venus – still workin’ on Serena

Worst place? France

Pet peeves? Racism, counter-racism, people who make the finger-quote sign whenever quoting something

What would you say is your best characteristic? My ongoing quest to be the best in everything I do

Worst characteristic? I’d wear a collared shirt that says “Cocaine Rules” if a company paid me enough

If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be? Ben Hogan – the only white man who I haven’t kept down

Do you believe in UFOs? (no comment)

What did you do on your last birthday?
Somethin’ cool

If you could have any job, what would it be? Training young aspiring golfers incorrectly in an effort to protect my legacy

What is the most important thing in life? Product placement

What is your greatest fear? Mandatory steroid testing

Have you ever been in love? Yes, but then I lost the green jacket the following year

What is your motto? “Bring out the Hellmans, and bring out the best”

What would you like to be remembered for? The alarming trend of minorities sporting polo shirts



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