Full Name: The Phillie Phanatic, Esq.


Nickname(s): Tom Burgoyne


Screen Name: 10InchesOfSchnozz


Claim to Fame: mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies; my poor spelling


Current Residence: the Phanatchelor Pad below Citizens Bank Park


Pets? Eric Gregg, the late umpire - trust me, it was less creepy before he died


What are you reading now? Søren Kierkegaard’s Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments


Favorite fast food place/restaurant? any place that sells cheesesteak or live squirrels


What’s your favorite game? Calvinball


Favorite song? according to the Phillies official site, it’s “Mowtown Phillie”, but I just answered that because it was a family-friendly site – it’s actually “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails


Favorite sexual position? the double play


Favorite drink (non-alcoholic)? water – do you know how hot it is being covered in green fur?


Favorite drink (alcoholic)? sulfur with a whiskey chaser


Favorite smell? children


If you were a crayon, what color would you be? androgyny


What’s under your bed? many many many fingers


What’s the first thing you think of in the morning? my lingering bitterness at Dennis Lehman’s decision to have my Phanads removed


Where is the best place you have ever been? the Mascot Hall of Fame


Worst place? France


Pet peeves? the baseball game that continually gets in the way of my adorable shenanigans, Pittsburgh


What would you say is your best characteristic? I have purple eyelashes and blue eyebrows


Worst characteristic? I have killed four people and paralyzed nine others for no reason other than it brought me joy


If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be? my twin sons, but noooooo, the San Diego Chicken is being a bitch and the stupid court won’t let me within 100’ of them


Do you believe in UFOs? how the hell do you think I got here?


What did you do on your last birthday? I’ll give you a hint: it involved me being Phanaked


If you could have any job, what would it be? US Ambassador to the United Nations


What is the most important thing in life? not having a consistent punchline


What is your greatest fear? that Mr. Met will find out I’ve been schtupping Mrs. Met


Have you ever been in love? do conjugal visits count?


What is your motto? “If you can hit a kid in the face with a Hatfield hot dog from 200 yards, do it”


What would you like to be remembered for? being the least annoying living thing in Philadelphia



Other Surveys:

A Sperm    Betsy Ross    Bryan Fenkart    Cleopatra    Dr. Seuss    Edmund Dudley    e.e. cummings    Fats    Gandhi    God Gordon    Henry VIII   Iago from Othello    Jaws    Jessica Simpson    The Jolly Green Giant    Jose Canseco    Madonna    Mario    Mike Tyson    Mr. Potato Head    Pele    Pluto    Ponce De Leon    Superman    Tiger Woods    The Tooth Fairy