Full Name: Juan Ponce de Leon

Chompers, Crazy Old Coot

Screen Name:

Claim to Fame:
Not finding something

Current Residence:
Havana, Cuba

A pet rat named Stuffy, who’s got a bit of the scurvy

What are you reading now?
A map of Florida

Favorite fast food place/restaurant?
Taco Bell

What’s your favorite game?
Plankball, Scabbards and Boards, Spank the Plank – there are a myriad of enjoyable game involving a board in which to engage

Favorite song?
“Still Haven’t Found What We’re Looking For” by U2

Favorite sexual position?
The Mount-him of Youth

Favorite drink (non-alcoholic)?
The gently-flowing waters of eternal youth. And Mr. Pibb.

Favorite drink (alcoholic)?
Anything on the rocks (except my fine vessels, the Santa Maria, the Santiago, and the San Cristobal)

Favorite smell?
The smell of the lillies in the fields of the isle of Bimini as the slain natives decompose nearby

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

What’s under your bed?
Hermit crabs – stupid exotic locale…

What’s the first thing you think of in the morning?
“I think one of the natives must have accidentally left his spear in my thigh”

Where is the best place you have ever been?
A hospital

Worst place?

Pet peeves?
Self-deprecation, cannibalism, scurvy

What would you say is your best characteristic?

Worst characteristic?
Absolute lack of common sense

If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be?

Do you believe in UFOs?
Why would they visit our flat planet, even if the sun revolves around us?

What did you do on your last birthday?
Wept quietly into my pillow

If you could have any job, what would it be?
Vice-principal of a middle school

What is the most important thing in life? Perpetuating it forever

What is your greatest fear? Old-people sex

Have you ever been in love? I believe I am married, but I should double-check that

What is your motto? “Live long – like unrealistically long – and prosper”

What would you like to be remembered for? Having more birthdays than anyone else



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