Nickname(s): Johnny Sixwives, The Executioner, Hizzie 8
Claim to Fame: Ruthless king of England, killing or exiling nearly all of my wives
Current Residence: The John Wayne Bobbitt Hall of Fame
Pets? Terrence, my executioner; a fruit bat named P’arfh (pronounced like Emily)
What are you reading now? “Proper Divorce Law” by Gooden Hindsight
Favorite fast food place/restaurant? The Chopping Block Hibachi
Favorite song? “It’s a Boy” by The Who, “I Ain’t Got Nobody” by Merle Haggard
Favorite drink (non-alcoholic)? Ecto-Cooler
Favorite drink (alcoholic)? Bloody Mary, Bloody Kathryn, Bloody Anne
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Compassion Red
What’s under your bed? Little photograph scrapbooks of my wives, except for Catherine of Aragon – have you seen pictures of her?!?! The less that remains of that mug, the better
What’s the first thing you think of in the morning? “Maybe I am gay”
Where is the best place you have ever been? Salt Lake City, UT (see if anyone gets that)
Pet peeves? Women without ova, immortality, when I take a beer out of the fridge that hasn’t quite been in there long enough, and not only does it taste a little funny because of that, but it has all that condensation which just makes your hand all wet when you try to drink it
What would you say is your best characteristic? I’m friggin’ great in bed
Worst characteristic? I have what you might call an itchy trigger finger
If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be? Wilt Chamberlain – he’s THE MAN
Do you believe in UFOs? Strange mysterious vehicles piloted by people with small heads that most people just don’t want to acknowledge? – those are called gondolas – I’m not so big on the Italians either
What did you do on your last birthday? ‘Terminated’ my marriage to J.Lo
If you could have any job, what would it be? Busboy at an Arby’s
What is the most important thing in life? To hand the family business down to your sons
What is your greatest fear? The fact that my story might some day be made into a Made-for-TV movie starring Ben Savage
Have you ever been in love? Once, with Jane Seymour – she was truly irreplaceable – however, I did three times, with mixed results
What is your motto? “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again”
What would you like to be remembered for? I managed to find a woman to marry me within 24 hours of my having publicly executed my former wife on charges of adultery and incest (despite declaring that that marriage was invalid to begin with)
Other Surveys:
A Sperm Betsy Ross Bryan Fenkart Cleopatra Dr. Seuss Edmund Dudley e.e. cummings Fats Gandhi God Gordon Iago from Othello Jaws Jessica Simpson The Jolly Green Giant Jose Canseco Madonna Mario Mike Tyson Mr. Potato Head Pele The Phillie Phanatic Pluto Ponce De Leon Superman Tiger Woods The Tooth Fairy