I'm getting married soon and want to buy my beloved a gift to commemorate the day.  I want it to be important.  I want it to hold significance.  I want it to be cheap.  Ideas?

Cleverly Androgynous


Time to dust off the ole keyboard here, 'cause Fats is back with more advice.  I'm not dusting it off because of non-use, per se, though it can't be denied that my inbox is more vacant than the dance floor at the Annual Enochlophobia Gala.  (Hint, that can be avoided if you SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS HERE!!!)  No, my keyboard is so dusty because, in these trying economic times, I've been forced to relocate to a dust factory.  Fortunately, I was able to move my desk from the PVC wing to the chalkdust enclave.  Here's hoping to be moved to sawdust by year's end.  I still wonder how the factory actually makes any money.

Anyway, Clem Anderson, first off, you're not incredibly clever.  Not once during the reading of your question did I say, "Hmmm, that Clem sure has in the wit department what most people lack!"  In fact, you started 100% of your sentences with the letter I, which is not only overtly self-centered, but markedly uncreative.  If I started each of my sentences with the word "buttocks", you'd find that... well, let's find out.

Buttocks are what makes the world go round.  Buttocks are the first thing to touch the ground.  Buttocks - mine are the finest to be found.  Buttocks!

Okay, I'll let the "I" thing slide, because I inadvertently just penned the lyrics to my newest jingle.  For buttocks, I guess. 

I've gone tangential.  Let's get back to the wedding gift.  First off, Clem, because I don't know if you're marrying a man or a woman (hey, it's the 90's after all), I'll have to give very generic answers.  You've likely either given or received a nice piece of jewelry if you're at the point to signify your willingness to spend money to prove your love.  If you haven't - consider it.  I'd suggest a slab of granite taped on top of a piece of rope.  Believe me, it's cheaper than going to a store that advertises on television in black and white and with nearly threatening background music.  As you've already made this transaction, you have NO OBLIGATION to give another gift to your significant other as long as you live.  That's one of the wonders of marriage - contractually, you've said your vows, and your love should be all you need to give.  Ever.  Sometimes, like on Father's Day, you don't even need to give your love, you just need to not end up on the evening news to consider yourself a good husband.

However, if you are still, for some assinine reason, considering a 'wedding gift', may I suggest the gift that keeps on giving - a prenuptual agreement.  Contrary to popular belief, these helpful contracts are not signs of distrust, but rather the opposite.  In a prenuptual agreement, you basically are putting a tangible pricetag on your love and your relationship - if she were to divorce you, her love is essentially worth certain items, which can be itemized and appraised for a specific dollar value.   The more you love her, the more you can offer in a prenuptual agreement.  Truly, there is no greater love than to put a dollar value on it.  As in Fats' Bad Advice Column #28 and #29, you always want to avoid giving too much too early, as it sets unreasonable expectations.  I can't stress this enough.  In a prenuptual agreement, it's good to 'lowball' your love in order to make prenuptual amendments along the way (this will show your spouse that your love is constantly growing.)  I recommend starting out offering $50 and a third of the handheld kitchen appliances during the divorce.  Your fiancee may try talking you up to something more "realistic", but point out that they shouldn't be putting a price tag on your love.  Getting them on the defensive always helps achieve the actual dollar value of your commitment.

I also can't rule out that you are looking for material possessions - you want to BUY (or, if you are from the 1950s, make) something that would immortalize the day.  I won't let you down.  Here is a comprehensive list of things that are guaranteed to be enjoyed by everyone, regardless of gender, ethnicity, or medical conditions:


Outside of that, I would need to know a little more about the person in order to pick out that perfect gift.  What I CAN do is dispel common sentimental-gift no-nos. 

- Do not buy jewelry unless it leaves a greenish stain on the skin it is exposed to.  How could a ring that doesn't leave an impression on the skin HOPE to leave an impression in the memory?

- Do not go on a trip to exotic locales.  With the threat of swine flu and/or missiles going around, staying in the good ole US of A is the way to go.  Most major cities are also veritable petri-dishes of airborne superdeath, so avoid those.  Basically, you can go to Poughkeepsie, NY or virtually anywhere in Montana.

- Never ever write your spouse poetry.

- Do not buy a car, truck, or other environmentally-raping mode of transportation.  If you must put a travel-themed stamp on your marriage, buy your soon-to-be spouse a environmentally-friendly bicycle, and make sure to make frequent observations like "A little exercise could do you good!"  New running shoes are also OK.

- Make your spouse a Mix CD - bonus if at least half the songs have "buttocks" in the title.

- You may want to buy an ornate frame to put an eventual picture from the wedding in it.  This is a terrible move.  What if the pictures come out crap?  Then you wasted money on a nice frame.  Instead, take some cardboard and cut it out.  With Sharpie, draw a TV set with knobs and cut out the actual "television" part.  It should look like a child did it.  You can put your wedding picture there.  If he/she asks about it, tell them that your child drew it.

- It might behoove you at this point to mention you have a child.

All right, Hades and Lentil-ham, another one is in the books.  Some people ask how I can sleep at night - I always answer "on the comfort of a job well done."  Oh, and by that, I mean I have custom-made bald-eagle-feather pillows.  There's something seriously delicate about those feathers - it's like they're made of the opposite of insomnia.   Anyhoo, get your questions in!  I may be a busy man, but I've got to do something to preoccupy my mind from this swirling dust.  I now know how those in the Great Dust Bowl felt - except I have it worse; my A.C. keeps blowing this crap everywhere.  


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