Dear Fats-

I have been a long-time admirer of your keen intellect and wonderful insight, yet this will mark my first time I will reach out for your help.  Recently I have been dealing with a tremendous amount of free time and this has caused me to re-assess my tactics as a girlfriend.  I feel as though I am not fulfilling the quota of 'girl traps' that are necessary for any healthy relationship.  Do you have any new tricks to this trade?


Now we're talking!  And by we, I mean me.  And by talking, I mean making a ham and cheese sandwich, because they're nothing quite like it.  Except really a ham and swiss, which is essentially the same thing, only with a more specific type of cheese.  Heck, even turkey and cheese is relatively close.  Tuna and bacon is right out. 

I've answered a few questions from men about the confounding behavior of women, and now finally I get to help out a young lady (who I will assume is mind-blowingly good looking, and I'll even go further and think that she admires my intellect late at night in the privacy of her bedroom.)  Let me put on my best bow-tie. 

All right, everybody knows that there are so-called unwritten rules of dating: THE GAME, if you will.  These rules include: a) you must wait at least five weeks after a successful date before making that first call - any sooner than that and you are broadcasting desperation; b) on a first date, you should always go "Dutch", but if you are a feminist, you should insist on going "German" and taking responsibility for payment of the whole bill, the bills of adjoining tables, and parts of the bills of neighboring eateries; c) pants are wholly overrated. 

But there are other tactics a woman can employ to fully entrench herself in THE GAME.  Make no bones about it, THE GAME is not a game, it's a way of life, and it's how to make a relationship work.  Actually, I shouldn't tell you what to do - go ahead, make some bones about it if you want.

Since you have plenty of free time, Suds (I assume you're related to Mr. Clean), I would make the assumption that your boyfriend is already one step ahead of you.  He is playing hard-to-get.  He's wily.  Well, you have to play HARDER to get.  Men love the chase, and now that he has you, that might have lessened his desire to pursue.  Well, get back out there.  And by that, I mean move.  Preferably at least 1000 miles.  Don't tell him where you are moving to, or even that you've moved.  After a suitable period of time (no less than six months), start to leave him clues to your whereabouts.  Something like: "I'm inside a parallelogram of some sort."  This kind of clue is great, because you could be in a rectangular factory, a cubicle in some office building, or even a cardboard box.  He'll be scouring all around the world, looking in buildings of frightfully bland construction, only to realize too late that you're just in a giant Spongebob Squarepants costume.  But the important thing is: he'll be looking.

Admittedly, this suggestion is a bit long-term.  You have to commit.  But if you don't want to wait six months for results, there are other, more immediate ways to play THE GAME.  As I said in my
last batch of advice, men and women alike respond to jealousy.  So part of how to play THE GAME is to raise even the slightest suspicions that you might be involved with some hanky and/or panky.  I will suggest more tact and subversiveness with you than I did with Jiffy.  Don't be blunt with this, or it will scare him away, and he'll leave hurt and emasculated.  Any time you refer to any friend (of either gender), make sure to refer to them in the following way: "I'm going out with Jaime, who is just my friend and we're not sleeping together," or "Corey texted me with something funny today.  I certainly haven't seen Corey's penis, especially not lately," or even something as subtle as "my absolutely platonic friend who I only dubbed One Night Stand as a joke Samantha."  Enough to arouse suspicion, all the while doing nothing to compromise your relationship.  If he doesn't pay you more attention, then I'll swallow a boat anchor.*

*Fats will, under no circumstances, swallow a boat anchor.

Finally, I have one more piece of advice.  Since being here on, I've noticed that people are very concerned with relationships: how to find them, how to sustain them, how to end them, how to exploit them for money (for which, I recommend my newest book, The Hidden Camera: How the Grainy Ass of Your Significant Other Can Make Millions)... the list goes on.  There seems to be a strong belief that relationships are a good thing.  Well, sure, I'd agree, as Fats seems to have an endless line of women knocking at his door, his boots, and his nether-you-mind-region.  But if you have free time, spend it alone!  The one thing nobody seems to realize: not playing THE GAME is playing THE GAME.  There are a myriad of things you can do all by your lonesome.  Masturbation, for starters.  And many other wonderful things that are eluding me at the moment.  They'll come to me.  But take the time alone to engage in such acts as... as masturbation.  And other things too.  Because, as I said before, not playing the game is ... oh, I forgot my caps... not playing THE GAME is playing THE GAME.  And this can be achieved by partaking in activities that include, but are in no way limited to, masturbation.  As well as activities.  Ones that aren't masturbation.  But that's a good one, no doubt.

It looks like another one is in the books. 
Get your question in now!  Space is limited, and remember, my services are completely free, but you can donate if you'd like.  Money preferably.  It's for the kids, after all.

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