Keeping in mind the availability of such items, which makes for the best accompanying beverage for a ham sandwich?  A.)  Tab Soda  B.)  Dr. Pepper  C.) Uranium

Well, Oh Abbreviated One, I'm going to go out on a limb here and intimate that perhaps you did not read the last installment of Fats' Bad Advice column, as you are the second person in a row to not officially ask me for any advice.  See, what you gave me was merely an opinion question, and so I must extrapolate what advice you're truly looking for.  Some questions come to mind: "Does God exist?"  "Where can I find plenty of Uranium?"  "Which fork should I use at dinner to stab the waiter in the neck?"

But I'll play it safe and answer the old standby question, "How do I make a killer ham sandwich?" which may, if you're lucky, slightly graze upon your intended 'advice'. 

First thing you need is ingredients.  While deli-style ham is always a tempting and cheap option, and buying and slicing a canned ham for your sandwich also sounds good, it's entirely likely that neither of these options will be entirely fresh.  My suggestion is to get a live pig and just taking a whack off the side of the pig for the absolute freshest meat.  You may want to consider sedating the pig somehow first (perhaps using whiskey) because he will most probably not enjoy the process at all.  Don't bother cooking the ham - it takes too much time. 

You also need to consider toppings and flavorings.  Mayo and additional ham immediately spring to mind as worthwhile additions, but if you truly want a unique dining experience, I'd go with toothpaste.  Not only will the minty condiment add a zesty punch to your ham sandwich, it will immediately counter any potential gingivitis-inducing germs which the live pig might still have clinging to it.  Mouthwash is also acceptable, though much harder to get to stay on the hard roll or McGriddle.

Third, your choice of beverage is key.  Your three options are all delectable, and of course I would choose Dr. Pepper because of its ability to disintegrate any remaining organisms on your sandwich.  It's unlikely, though, that you'll be able to find Dr. Pepper when you are still next to a live pig.  You'll likely have to take what's accessible, rainwater.  It's life from the skies, and you just can't beat that with your ham sandwich, especially if you have to drink it out of a boot because you forgot to leave out a more suitable container the night before.  It's like we always say here on the column, 'Boot-water is goot-water.'

And finally, presentation is invaluable to making your ham sandwich a culinary masterpiece.  Put it on a plate (a hotplate would work, or a tectonic one) and add garnishes such as parsley or, preferably, chalk.  And while playing with your food is nothing we entirely endorse here at Fats' Bad Advice column, you can't deny the urge to draw a little chalk outline on your dinner plate to commemorate the deliciousness. 

Bon apetite, my friend.  Keep that advice coming and remember: actually ask for advice next time. 

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