Dear Fats,

Am I fat?  I have enclosed a
picture for your viewing pleasure, or disgust, or, god I don't know if I'm fat!
Some chick

Well, first off, Some, I'd like to point out that nowhere in your email did you *technically* put in any sort of request for advice of any sort.  So I'd like to first offer you advice about asking for advice. 
1)  Do it.

Moving on, I suppose the easiest way to completely ignore the fact that you didn't directly ask for any bad advice is to assume you were asking for great dieting tips.  Remember, I KNOW fat, and from the looks of that picture, you could stand to lose a few dozen pounds.  Like ten.  That's right, you could take off 120 pounds PRONTO.

The first and probably easiest way I'd suggest to trim that waistline is to get significantly taller.  While technically not making you any skinnier, it will give the IMPRESSION that you've lost a ton of weight.  Another way to accomplish this distortion of perspective is to get breast augmentation surgery.  In order to not look obese, I would suggest moving from your current cup size to at least an MMM size.  That ought to create the illusion of fitness.

Before I get to my next suggestion, I want to go on the record by stating that I do NOT endorse eating disorders.  You know, anorexia, bulemia... these are NOT healthy ways to lose weight.  My second suggestion, however, is contracting diphtheria.  Because of the swelling of the throat, not only will you lose weight, but you'll cut down on all that extra air you've been ingesting.

My final suggestion is to eat a sponge every morning before your first meal.  The sponge will act as an absorber for harmful calories and dangerous nutrients.  Given enough time you'll likely be as fit as a fiddle, only with a larger hospital bill.

Hope I helped.  Keep 'em coming!

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