Anton Van Leeuwenhoek: inventor of the microscope and centrifuge. Sometimes he gets really drunk and tries to find out how dizzy he can make an organism get (Mitch)

Arnold Fornichou: the first person to put an ailing pet to sleep, though his method of unceremoniously lobbing them into a pork shanker was quickly replaced (Bryan)

Betty and Richard James: the infamous lovebirds that in 1956 stole all the ink from every pen between Florida and Rhode Island in order to create the Indian Ocean (Kevin)

Carmelina Fedele: kickstarted the 80’s – in 80 A.D. she sported legwarmers and anti-Semitism (Derek)

Arnold Fornichou: failed entrepreneur - established Forna-Caterers food service (Paul)

Debbie Horn: the woman who swallowed a genie lamp so her stomach could have three wishes (Mitch)

Edward Teach: got thrown out of 6th grade for calling Ms. Stonehouse a "half-baked loaf of bitch" (Bryan)

Erasmus Bond: also known as secret double agent James Bond, had to change his name when he joined the union. There was already an Erasmus (Paul)

Frieda Carter: the first woman not to play jazz-bass (Eric R)

Frieda Carter: the person people are really talking to when they think they're talking to themselves (Kate K)

George Blaisdell: invented the Zippo lighter that, once lit, never goes out until a forest disappears (Caroline)

George Dawes: the first man to replace his large intestine with a "Biggie Size" intestine (Corey)

Harold Fulp: the first man to donate his toes for the sake of goodness: "For goodness sake take my toes" (Caroline)

Hippolyte M. Mouries: the Greek God of Rome (Paul)

Jesse Reno: the first person to screw up a filibuster when she ran out of synonyms for "fuckbucket" (Derek)

Joel Cheek: ate his wife just to shut her up (Derek)

Joseph Montegu: born in the Medieval Ages, Mr. Montegu was the first worker who went "postal." Back then, they call it "going parchment beating" (Cyrus)

Joseph Montegu: invented the steam powered kettle (Corey)

Professor Leo Kongee: devised a maze for mice where every dead end had a hunk of cheese, and the exit brings you back to the start. The study was to see how fat you could get a mouse (Bryan)

Professor Leo Kongee: a Nintendo classic where, instead of jumping over barrels, you teach physics to kids in Poughkeepsie (Will)

Ralph Wedgewood: his pickup line was: What’s the difference between Wedgewood and peanut butter?  I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass (Sara)

Rant Mullens: fused a shoehorn to his inner ear canal to measure just how long he thought in shoe (Mitch)

Robert B. Thomas: taste-tester extrordinaire - he had the power to tell when you will die by licking your earlobe… inserting the poison (Aaron)

Robert B. Thomas: accidentally stoned in 1975 when a bunch of stone-skipping kids mistook him for a lake (Corey)

Sarah Winchester: New England housewife who created a delicious new cookie made of the flesh of a prowler she’d caught breaking into her home.  The intruder was later substituted by chocolate pieces and the Tollhouse cookie was born (Stephanie)

Sarah Winchester: lived near Niagara Falls and pretended to be a barrel so she could feel a man inside her eventually (Derek) 

Tannakin Skinker: the guy who hated the inventor of the crock pot a really really lot (Jess W)