12. Start an innovative and witty website specializing in comedy and irreverence. When you find out how to make money doing it, inform www.esoderek.com.
11. Write a sitcom for the WB about an Italian former boxer trying to make it good in the big city. If you can’t get that Peter kid from the Cosby show, Tony Danza is still available.
10. Switch to hookers lite.
9. Buy the monopoly board game. It only costs about $25 and people easily confuse the money included in the game with the Euro.
8. Slowly lose all skin pigment and train yourself rigorously to hold your breath for extended periods of time. I’m thinking upwards of an hour. Also, develop a foreign language that is similar to, but not exactly like, Greek. Become fluent in this. It wouldn’t hurt to become extremely proficient in contract legalese. Finally, create a new outdated clothing style (try merging a toga and a zoot suit, for instance). Great. Find a place populated by rich people and yachts. Stay motionless just under the surface of the water until you are grazed by a passing yacht. This may take a while, especially if you are dinged pretty good off the bat. Surface and try to convey in your foreign tongue, that you are from Atlantis. Convince the wealthy captain to exploit you (it shouldn’t be hard). The money you’ll make from public appearances will be good, especially with all the extra provisions you can put into your talk show contracts.
7. Fart gold bouillon.
6. Cash your paycheck for only pennies. Lugging around 75 pounds in change in your back pockets will surely slow your spending.
5. Recycle your food: become bulimic.
4. Take all of your money out of Steel Bibs Inc – it was never a good idea.
3. Become a life coach. After gaining trust from your clients (ideally enough to get put in their will) become a death coach.
2. Run in a marathon to treat muscular dystrophy, and hope that it is cured before the race starts, so you can just keep the fundraising money (worked for Palin!)
1. Donate your body to Grammar. It pays much better than Science.