12. Become a San Diego Padre. Now you’ve got way bigger hurdles to overcome than just a deadly virus.


11. Eat more Taco Bell.  If your body can take it, you can handle anything.


10. Watch The Mask* starring Jim Carrey every day for at least 12 hours. You won’t have time to go out and catch the disease. (*also works with the movies Mask and The Mask of Zorro, but not Face/Off)


9. Build a Wall.


8. Inject yourself with COVID-20. Sequels are always worse than the originals, meaning you’ll get better antibodies.


7. Ingest disinfectant to get rid of those annoying heartbeats.


6. Sign up for the Jets as a wide receiver, they’ve never caught anything.


5. Get some dish soap.  Blow bubbles.  Live inside them.


4. In lieu of wearing a mask, hold Scott Baio in front of you like a human shield. You thought we’d suggested Tony Danza? We actually like him.


3. Easy social distancing tip: be the 15-year-old version of yourself again… loser.


2. Wear a mask in public… and nothing else.  That’ll show ‘em to come within six feet.


1. Move to a country that gives the slightest shit about the welfare of all its citizens.Sign up for the Jets as a Wide Receiver, they’ve never caught anything.



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