12. Convince everyone who thinks Ashton Kutcher is genuinely funny move to one hemisphere. The other one should be so disproportionately populated that it will throw the Earth’s orbit out of whack and into a collision course with the sun. You could also do the same with all the people who find Tony Danza to be ‘inimitable.’
11. HDTV stands for highly deadly television. It’s the only way to explain the ratings of Grey’s Anatomy and why Perfect Strangers isn’t in syndication.
10. Get a gun that shoots anti-matter. That could take a while, so if you’re in a rush, get a gun that shoots black holes.
9. Convince TMZ that they are going to make a Sopranos movie, but there will only be a single midnight showing in all theatres across the country. Hire some computer genius guy to automatically lock the doors of all the packed houses behind the excited guests. Then show them episodes of the new Melrose Place. 15 minutes later all you’ll need to do is clean up all of the corpses.
8. Consider a revival of the concentration camp. Get people to think really hard as to why any Baldwin brother has had a successful career.
7. See the list of Top 12 Ways to Kill Someone Using Lucky Charms. Now just buy a LOT of Lucky Charms and hop to it.
6. Scientists dispute claims that the methane in cow eructation actually contributes to the greenhouse effect. So shut them up by breeding a supercow. Do this by getting an elephant and a cow to mate, and then feed the offspring nothing but lentils and Dr. Pepper. Earth should be evaporating within a few years, and all mankind with it.
5. Convince that Snuggie guy that people like them with some “Extra Snug.” Insert really strong spandex and watch the world suffocate to a warm cuddly death.
4. Elect Sarah Palin as President and as each member of the Cabinet. And Congress.
3. Start pushing red buttons. If movies taught us anything, one of them is bound to do the trick.
2. Forget Ponzi schemes, try a Fonzi scheme. It involves jabbing investors with your elbow to get them to work on funding your death ray. Heeyyyyyyy.
1. Invent a deadly STD that has retroactive capabilities. Give it to Wilt Chamberlain.