12. To encourage the calm of an earlier time, Biden will require us all to stop sending out email and go back to paper mail. As a side benefit, Scranton’s own Dunder Mifflin should benefit greatly.
11. Joe/Kamala photos will try to recapture the glory of Obama/Joe bro memes, but when all the pictures are of Kamala reminding Joe that it’s time to eat his pudding, the novelty will wear off.
10. Trying to capitalize on Trump’s social media presence, Biden starts his own Youtube channel. Within six months, he breaks subscriber records when it turns out he’s BOMB at Cyberpunk 2077.
9. Biden will replace Trump’s absence of a healthcare plan with Trumpcare, which will just be Medicare for All paid for by Trump Super PAC funds. I know what you’re thinking, but no, Trump won’t read the bill because he’s illiterate.
8. Salad will once again be served at the White House.
7. In lieu of a shredder, Nancy Pelosi will stand up and tear up every printed document, mail, newspaper, and head of lettuce she sees with dramatic effect. Gallagher will be hired to smash fruit for the Capitol’s new juice bar.
6. The Republican Party, frustrated after decades of hard work crafting fiscally-sound legislation only to have it upended by a man utterly bereft of any redeeming qualities, finally gives in and selects Tony Danza as its 2024 presidential candidate.
5. Facts will be factual.
4. Tourism in Delaware is projected to triple as people flock to… no, this one is unlikely.
3. After four years of false advertising, taco trucks will finally be on every street corner.
2. In a sad moment where he truly shows his age, Biden tries to pardon Bitcoin, who he thinks is a gangster rapper.
1. Science will be real. Math however, will still be a bunch of horseshit that you’ll never understand.