Disclaimer –
Derek's work has been registered at the U.S. Library of Congress, so it would be a terrible financial idea to plagiarize or use any of the material found on this website for your own purposes. Nevertheless, enjoy the writing!Anton Van Leeuwenhoek: inventor of the microscope and centrifuge. Sometimes he gets really drunk and tries to find out how dizzy he can make an organism get (Mitch)
Arnold Fornichou: the first person to put an ailing pet to sleep, though his method of unceremoniously lobbing them into a pork shanker was quickly replaced (Bryan)
Arnold Fornichou: failed entrepreneur - established Forna-Caterers food service (Paul)
Debbie Horn: the woman who swallowed a genie lamp so her stomach could have three wishes (Mitch)
Edward Teach: got thrown out of 6th grade for calling Ms. Stonehouse a "half-baked loaf of bitch" (Bryan)
Erasmus Bond: also known as secret double agent James Bond, had to change his name when he joined the union. There was already an Erasmus (Paul)
Frieda Carter: the first woman not to play jazz-bass (Eric R)
Frieda Carter: the person people are really talking to when they think they're talking to themselves (Kate K)
George Blaisdell: invented the Zippo lighter that, once lit, never goes out until a forest disappears (Caroline)
George Dawes: the first man to replace his large intestine with a "Biggie Size" intestine (Corey)
Harold Fulp: the first man to donate his toes for the sake of goodness: "For goodness sake take my toes" (Caroline)
Hippolyte M. Mouries: the Greek God of Rome (Paul)
Jesse Reno: the first person to screw up a filibuster when she ran out of synonyms for "fuckbucket" (Derek)
Joseph Montegu: born in the Medieval Ages, Mr. Montegu was the first worker who went "postal." Back then, they call it "going parchment beating" (Cyrus)
Joseph Montegu: invented the steam powered kettle (Corey)
Professor Leo Kongee: devised a maze for mice where every dead end had a hunk of cheese, and the exit brings you back to the start. The study was to see how fat you could get a mouse (Bryan)
Professor Leo Kongee: a Nintendo classic where, instead of jumping over barrels, you teach physics to kids in Poughkeepsie (Will)
Rant Mullens: fused a shoehorn to his inner ear canal to measure just how long he thought in shoe (Mitch)
Tannakin Skinker: the guy who hated the inventor of the crock pot a really really lot (Jess W)
Robert B. Thomas: taste-tester extrordinaire - he had the power to tell when you will die by licking your earlobe… inserting the poison (Aaron)
Robert B. Thomas: accidentally stoned in 1975 when a bunch of stone-skipping kids mistook him for a lake (Corey)