When is the right time to stake my tomatoes?
Etg? E.T.G? Even those geese? Extra-terrestrial grapes? Eggs that gyrate? Well Eggs, your question is ambiguous, so I have to assume right off the bat that you mean you have vampire tomatoes. This is an increasing problem as many gardens are ill-lit and vampires have trouble in poor lighting distinguishing the red of tomatoes from the succulent peach of a ripe neck. First thing you need to know if you have vampire veggies is DON'T eat them, as there is a good probability they will turn you into a pretentious person who will preach at great frequency about the evils of meat. That and you might try to feast on the blood of the living. Really, you can't stake those vampire tomatoes too early. And in lieu of a wooden stake (or a silver bullet, as tomatoes are quite small targets), you can just smack your vampire veggies around with a couple of beef shanks, and they should leave you alone.
However, if your question is about the proper planting and cultivating of tomatoes, you've still come to the right place, as Ole Fats is a botanical genius. It is
well documented rumored that my 9 pound cucumber and my twenty-six pound piece of celery were marvels at various state fairs, and there was even tell of an ear of corn with sixty thousand kernels. If there's one thing I'm famous for, it's gardening.
You might be thinking I waited too long to get back to you, as it's now September and certain gardening novices believe that spring is the opportune time to begin your garden. Horse shackles, I say to them. There's all that rain in the spring, and rain is known to flood dirt and carry seeds away. Plus, there's often way too much sun out then, and have you ever seen sunblock for plants? I thought not. You don't want to fry your tomatoes, you want them to grow up in a safe environment. I say the opportune time to bury them is usually around Halloween. You need to make sure the ground isn't too hard to jam a spade into it, so you definitely want them in before Thanksgiving. Also, you may want to put a few umbrellas over your burgeoning garden so they aren't exposed to harmful UV rays. And lastly, make sure to siphon any excess water from the ground by injecting oil directly into your seed holes (oil and water are known to repel, thus excess water will float to the top, where you can sop it up with a towel or a loaf of particularly absorbent bread.)
Even though your inquiry only asks about tomatoes, I figure I'll give you a quick chart of other common vegetables and the proper planting of them to reap the greatest rewards. In general, you can follow the suggestions for tomatoes, but I will add some particulars that will help with your other veggies.
lettuce - no less than 28 seeds per hole
cucumbers - instead of wire mesh or tall posts, strengthen your cucumbers by having them climb up barbed wire or, better yet, razor wire - after all, you don't want sissy cucumbers
peas - inject each pod with HGH or else you'll have to suffer with tiny tiny peas
melons - don't attempt to grow these unless you are over 11,000' altitude, otherwise you'll grow melons that are afraid of heights
eggs - make sure to plant your chickens only up to their neck or they won't be able to breathe and that will hinder their production of eggs
peppers - I've never successfully grown these, so I assume I'm not pouring enough ground black pepper into the holes - I'd suggest using a full cup's worth when you try; maybe you'll have better luck
potatoes - even more so than tomatoes, you have to make sure that potatoes are not exposed to sun, as it's bad for the eyes; perhaps putting the seeds in a steel safe before burying - it still may not be enough, but I assume not everybody has a bomb shelter at their disposal like I do
green beans - no matter what you do, do NOT inject various food colorings into the seeds to transform green beans into other vegetables, as they'll come out rainbow, and gay food tastes weird
Now if I was truly competitive in my gardening, why would I give out my patented tips? Well, I'm so absolutely confident in my abilities as a veggie whisperer that I fear no competition. Plus, I didn't tell anyone my secret ingredient that I add to all my gardens, which is asphalt. Oh. Crap. Well, good luck with the vegetables. If you live in South Dakota, take pictures of your garden and send them as proof that South Dakota actually has things living in it. For the rest of you unfortunates out there, send me your questions, as my advice is like a salve to a torn meniscus: helpful and egregious.