Dear Fats,
I have recently moved to a new location and I'm really excited about it.  There are mountains and valleys and rivers and all types of geographical normalities.  There is even a fellow New Jersiate here and during a conversation we chanced upon the topic of pizza in a non-secure location.  The general concensus out here is that Papa John's is the best pizza there is, and when this was voiced my Garden State commrade and I attempted to dispute that statement, to no avail.  I'd like some advice on how we can impress upon the general populace that Jersey pizza rules supreme. (please forgive the topping pun)

Scott


Dear Scott,
Topping pun overcooked, er overlooked.  You indeed have yourself a culinary calamity there, with trying to impress General Populace (who, aside from Commander Cultet, ranks among the toughest military personnel to sway.)  (Oh, and don't ignore the 'rank' punk - it was well-crafted).  There are a number of tactics you can implement, and I'm happy to lend my expertise in this area.

Although I immediately need to state something.  I, in answering this question, am in NO way declaring any allegience to any particular institution of pizza preparation.  The question merely states how to impress General Populace, so depite me making allusion to Jersey pizza being better than any others, I would like it duly noted that I am in no way expressing any proclivity towards Jersey pizza.  (Truth being told, my personal favorite pizza is Miniscule Joey's Italian Cheese Discs.  You just can't beat their Fishy-Garden deal.)

Anyway, onto the issue.  Winning public favor with pizza is difficult, no matter how you slice it (that, also, was a well-earned pun.  Revel.)  Subtlety is the first method I would attempt if I were you.  You've heard of subliminal messages in songs, where a gentle message is interlaced within the song to unknowingly affect the listener?  You could try something similar to this with your pizza.  When your foreign commrades order their Papa John's pizza, act quickly and subtly infuse some Jersey pizza WITHIN their pizza.  This can be done with a pipet and the 'essence of Jersey pizza', which retails for about $12 a pipet.  Graduated cyllanders of the stuff are outright pricey.  When your Papa fans remark how their pizza tastes better than ever, further disproving your claims, you can laugh with a superiority and show them the pipet.  They'll certainly have egg on their face after that.

But I'll assume you don't have the $12 or the access to 'essence of Jersey pizza'.  That doesn't necessarily lose you this battle.  For another suggestion, you need to borrow a tactic from politics: smear campaigns.  That's right, you need to work to get a series of slanderous commercials on television just outright blasting Papa John's.  Now I know what you're thinking: "But Fats, if I can't afford $12 for some essence, how can I afford a smear campaign?"  Poor Scott, never having learned the power of politics.  The answer here is simple: lobbyists.  You just need to fundraise tens of millions of dollars.  Ideally, you'll want your commercial to air during the Superbowl for maximum effect, and that is indeed pricey.  But I'll save you some money here, so you can avoid contacting an advertising agency for your ad.  Here is a great mudslinging ad that is ready to go.

[Image up to a pregnant woman with her husband, acting lovingly on a park bench.]
MAN. I love you honey, and I am so happy those years of trying to bring a child into this world have finally succeeded.
WOMAN. And I love you honey, and this is the greatest thing to ever happen to us. 
MAN. You must be hungry, having to provide nourishment for two. 
WOMAN. You know, honey, I am!  And I have a craving for some pizza.
MAN. Whatever you want, sweetles.
[cut to Papa John's where they order a pizza.]
WOMAN. This is bound to hit the spot.  Papa John's has such a great reputation!
MAN. I love you, honey.
[woman eats one bite, and suddenly there is ominous music playing.]
MAN. What's wrong?
WOMAN. [gasping]  Hos...pital. 
[cut to ambulance flying down the road, lights blaring.  Cut to ER.  Cut to a doctor shaking his head sympathetically.  Cut to fuzzy shot of couple, crying.]
VOICE OVER.  Papa John's pizza - immediately causes miscarriages.  [rapidly]  Brought to you by Jersey pizza and Commander Cutlet.

Of course, in the event you don't want to work that hard or take that much time in fundraising, there is a quicker and absolutely free method with which to get your message across globally.  And that is simply to get Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) to endorse Jersey pizza.  They can do no wrong in the eyes of General Populace, and they're always near the top of the Hottest-People-Alive tests.  If not them, you can try other celebrity couples like Tomkat (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes), Schwarzeshriver (Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver), Leonvney (Tea Leoni and David Duchovny), Pennpenn (Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn) or even Gardnatra (Eva Gardner and Frank Sinatra).  The chance of success using these other couples is unlikely at best. 

I'm glad I could pose these and many other suggestions, and until next time, this is Fats saying "If Castro writes me one more time asking for advice, I'm gonna flip out."