I want to know which could potentially cause a greater reaction from these scenario's: Nuclear bomb in a major city, 20 ton piece of Cesium in a giant lake (we'll say that the lake is near a major city for casualty purposes, or staple gunning your own foot?  I've always wanted to do the cesium in a lake thing cause man, KA-Cesium!

Nerd McDork


What's with all the Irish people writing to me lately?  Nerd McDork, Fatty McButterpants, Skinny McLying... that's it.  I refuse to answer questions written by Irish people.  A complete embargo.  Starting now.  Let's move on, shall we?  Fats' column will not be desecrated in such a way.  (Francium is cooler than cesium anyway.)

What luck, fans, you all get THREE questions this week!


Yo fat man,
I was rushed to the hospital Tuesday evening for emergency surgery.  See, I was attacked by a mountain while skiing a few weeks ago (Jan 23) and had to have knee surgery to fix it.  About three weeks out, I started getting an infection in my leg, and a week later (this past Tuesday) was rushed in to be cut open again and have the area flushed.  I was told I'd leave the next day, but am still in hospital 4 days later, with no chance of leaving until Monday.  The problem is the insurance company thinks $1500 a day for hospitalization is more reasonable than $150 a day for in-home antibiotics.  I've even got this cool main line hanging out of my arm so I can hook into IVs whenever and wherever.  How do I coerce the insurance idiots into letting me leave? 

signed,
something witty here

Fats-a-licious,
I don't remember my last question because I was all loopy on pain meds, so here's a much better one: How, pray tell, do I rape the medical insurance bastards for all they're worth? 

I'll share my millions with you if it works.

love,
the sickly FSIL


If it isn't Irishmen, it's acronym-people.  Well, Fudge Sundae in Love, insurance companies thrive on the looting and pillaging of those they are meant to be helping.  Much like the Middle Ages only slightly more subtle, medical insurance companies love nothing more than making their patrons suffer.  But that doesn't mean they are impenatrable. 

First off, here at Fats' Bad Advice Column, we do not advocate rape.  We advocate consentual business affairs, capped off by you making off with money and a smile on your face that can only be described as "long overdue."  The way to do this is actually to be firm with them.  I'm not talking about writing them a professional sounding letter in which you use words like "heretofore" or "litigant" or even "tushy".  No.  That's not nearly direct enough, and your letter would get lost in the shuffle of insurance indifference.  March right out of your hospital bed and out the door.  (Be prepared to have an excuse for the nurses who will try to stop you.  A good one is, "I am just getting a drink of water and should be back in a minute," or "I'm made of toast and the warbler's gonna eat me if I stay!" accompanied by arm gesticulations and an unearthly low roar coming from your chest.)  March right into the office of your health insurance carrier with some attention-getting hand-held prop (such as an AK-47 or a severed limb) and decree that you speak to the CEO.  Without this sort of upfront approach, you won't ever speak to anyone in the office who ranks above Administrative Assistant's Assistant.  Once you meet with the CEO, who I'm sure will admire your tenacity and brazen approach, convince him that he should pay for your hospital stay directly from his pocket (use the severed limb to slap sense into him - he'll be impressed with the resourcefulness and creativity you've shown).  When he realizes how much money it will cost him, he'll send you home immediately, and even set you up with an at-home nurse to make sure your pillows are fluffy and you haven't shot a hole in anything important.

Let's assume, in your case, that you are still immobile from the surgery but still want to make the insurance company reel a bit.  While you're in the hospital, go into cardiac arrest (nothing TOO serious, mind you.)  Hire an attorney STAT.  Be able to prove that the heart attack was a direct result of not being able to be home with your new fiancee.  Sue them for "emotional distress."  (You can further your case by suing the hospital for medical malpractice and negligence, and even go after your auto insurance carrier by having your car drive itself into your hospital room, causing extensive injuries and property damage.  Then you can even go after the automobile manufacturer and the hospital architect too!)  While these things are *technically* considered fraud, you can bypass this by hiring a VERY good attorney.  I recommend Reg "The Iceberg" Pootsworth, Esq.  He managed to get a $2,000,000 judgment for a woman who managed to glue herself to her own vacuum by suing the vacuum manufacturer, the glue manufacturer and even the woman's auto insurance.  He's very good and once's he's readmitted to the bar after an unfortunate 'misshap' involving $60 billion in misplaced funds, he'd be happy to look after your case.  (My finder's fee is 33.3%)

It's never too late to think of your future.  And I hope I'm paving the road of the future in very reliable tar.  And not wax, because that would make many things much more difficult.  Keep the questions rolling in!  I'm off to figure out what happens to Duluth after I plunge this 10-ton block of Francium that I've been storing for years into the icy depths of Lake Superior.  This video might give you some idea.  'Cause all I know is that staple-gunning my own foot caused suprisingly little reaction from anyone.