History has shown that the Earth's magnetic field has flipped over 170 times since its beginnings a long, long time ago in the galaxy Milky Way. When it flips, it reverses the polarity of the magnetic field [or mf], making the south pole magnetic north for you compass enthuiasts and the north pole still Santa's lair for those of you who don't read much. The magnetic field flip [or mff] is what happens when our planet's super heated liquid outer core is running out of strength. Like Samson waiting for an appointment at the hairclub for men, it longs for more.

Since the dinosaur age, the Earths magnetic field [or tEmf] has diminshed by 80% (we're only getting smaller from here on in people) In an effort to save its magnetic integrity, or just something cool that happens on average every 200,000 years or so, Earths magnetic field [or Emf{not the Emergency medical friends}] flips [or flips], causing it to continue producing magnitism as opposed to just giving up and watching the dense iron inner core mull about for the next couple billion years (much in the same way candy or shiny things stimulate a child rather than lengthy, often tediously irreverent science lessons).

Without magnitism on Earth, migratory animals both aquatic and avian could be at risk of mass disorientation; planes, satellites, and boats could malfunction; not to mention the solar radiation that could occur due to the lack of deflection of the suns harmful rays, resulting in bizaar skin abnormalities to cancer strains previously unthoughtof. But besides the many numerous risks associated with the essential breakdown and reassembliation of the magnetic poles, it could take a couple thousand years for the event to take place from beginning to end. Since that will not happen in our life time... my question is this...Is laser eye syrgery the right thing to do? 


- Spooler



You, my friend, have demonstrated the importance of editing. See, here's how I manage to slightly alter your original question with only the use of ellipses and a disregard for sentimentality and sentence structure. Your question would now read:

History has shown that... long... Milky... Santa... is running out of... hair. Since... here on in, people... on average... watch... the next couple... stimulate a child..., is laser eye sygery the right thing to do?"

Clearly this is a more to-the-point way of asking your very simple question. And the answer of course is this: certainly! I fully recommend laser syrgery, which is almost exactly like laser surgery to repair the eye, only without the hassle and cost of doctors/medical practitioners/EMTs. See, the theory is this: everyone wants to see better, but most people don't want to have it done professionally for fear that the resulting malpractice suit might just be too laborious. The recommendation is clear - practice home laser surgery.

I'm not peddling a kit here, people. It can be done with the following list of common household tools - a can opener, a roll of double-stick tape, and extra retinas. I don't think I even need to go into the details of how to perform the syrgery, the list of tools almost fixes your vision itself. But you will still need to do the manual labor of actually replacing the retina, the cornea, and in severe cases, the entire rod and cone infrastructure (in such rare cases, you can substitute mirrors or Legos). It's no use going in there if you're going to do a half-assed job. Make sure to have gauze or a camera ready, just in case.

Likely, you're going to be nervous if it's your first time performing syrgery on yourself. So drink up. As the old adage goes - "if want to see better, make sure you can't see straight first." You'll be good as new in no less than four false alarm phone calls to 911, and possibly one real one.

Tune in next week when we tell you how to break up with an unwanted Siamese Twin. That is, if someone asks me how to do that. Keep the suggestions coming people. But be BRIEF - nothing this long-winded will be fit to print for Fats.