Derek, [sic]

I'm rather excited to tell you that I'm getting married next year.  Here's where I need your help.  My lovely lady-friend has assembled quite the group of hot ladies to be in her bridal party.  I want to make sure I find the right fellas to partake in the ceremony as my representatives.  I already have a few guys picked out, but want to make sure that A.) They don't make jackasses out of themselves, B.) Don't upstage me by being better looking than me (I'm not exactly attractive), and C.) I don't think I'll have the ability to clone that fat guy from the British Who's Line episodes between now and July of 2008.  Any thoughts?

- Danza Costanza


Well, Mr. Unfortunate Name, first off I don't know who this so-called 'Derek' is, and quite frankly I'm a bit offended that I, Fats, am not your first choice for asking advice.  Let me ask YOU some questions, Mr. Character Actor Debacle.  A.)  Do you know how to properly annotate a list?  Apparently not.  B.)  Does this Derek give out free donuts with his advice?  I didn't think so.  C.)  What's his home address?  I think I need to pay my competition a visit.  D.)  How hot are these bridesmaids?  E.)  Am I invited?

Anyway, I'm in Las Vegas, so this question is all the more appropriate because of the sheer abundance of wedding chapels, drive through synogogues, and Mormon 3-for-1 deals.  Weddings and love are in the air here, as are breasts.  But your question isn't about your prospective wife, but about your groomsmen.  It's tricky, to say the least.

All right, the first thing you need to know is that it's YOUR wedding day, not your friends'.  The first way to ensure that you are the bell of the ball is to pick appropriate gear for your buddies.  This way, even if they are Bruce Campbell, they'll still look just as awkward as you'd like them too.  Typically, the groom will pick similar tuxedos for his wedding party to wear.  Why do that?  It's a proven fact that girls DIG guys in tuxedos.  That's a no-no.  While you are wearing your dapper tuxedo and incomprehensibly sexy cummerbund, they should be fitted for sequined gowns or, in extreme instances (where you have five Bruce Campbells, for instance), ruffled shirts and overalls with pastel flip-flops.  Unflattering, and it will save you a fortune in costs.

The second way is to eliminate having to choose between your friends, so you don't accidentally pick a showstealer.  Your fiancee has probably chosen a fair number of girls to compliment her hair come wedding day, and you're supposed to match that number.  But by having to select 11 friends (you said she had chosen 'quite the group'), you'll likely hurt someone's feelings, and it will probably be that guy in eighth grade who you said you'd always keep in touch with, and you told him in his yearbook to 'stay cool', and he's been hoping this whole time for an invite to your bachelor party.  Yeah, him.  How do you avoid this?  Easy - get your wife to have less people in her party.  One is the amount of people you need to whittle this down to, though zero is much better.  First, convince your lady-friend that her sisters and cousins don't need to be a part of it, as they've never loaned her money.  Second, you need to come up with arguments about why her closer girlfriends should not be in the party.  Her roommate from college?  Slept with her boyfriend - thrice.  Her best friend?  She was the one who wrecked her car.  Her siamese twin?  Not invited for religious conflict.  After she has systematically disinvited all her girlfriends, you won't need t o go through the trouble of picking anyone to 'represent' your friends.  Then, you'll look very hot up there.

Also, in true Vegas style, you should abandon the BIG wedding (convince your fiancee that 'cheap' is the new 'expensive' - do this with line graphs where possible.)  In fact, drive-through is the wave of the future in terms of weddings.  The joy about this is two-pronged, perhaps four-pronged to make a salad fork: Prong 1) your wedding party--hell, the entire guest list--is whoever you can fit in your car.  To be on the safe side, drive a mini-cooper for your wedding.  Prong 2)  The Elvis-priest who tells you you're married doesn't care if your best friend is a hunky piece of man-steer.  Prong 3)  These are techincally called 'tines', if you're referring to forks.  Prong 4)  See prong 3. 

That about does it for the best-man question, but I may address one quickie - some extra advice if you will, free of charge.  As much as you need to put on the pretenses that it's a day for your wife, it isn't.  It's for you.  You don't want her upstaging you either.  When recommending make-up artists and hairdressers, I'd 'save a little money', if you catch my drift.  I recommend my friend Big Tips Camaroon.  He's *technically* a taxidermist, but he's fantastic. 

I'm off to see if I can find me a Mrs. Fats.  I hear there's a phone-in wedding service they now provide.  Keep the questions coming.  Because I'm gonna offer advice whether or not I'm provoked, and it makes infinitely more sense if I've been prompted.