Hey Fats, seeing as how you and I are much alike (in that we're both way too good looking for our own good), I've decided to come to you.  This whole "not a planet" thing... it's really getting to me.  How do I get back in good standing with the rest of the "sexy" planets.  It's lonely out here.  Can you help me to get back in the good graces of these so-called "scientists?"

- Pluto


Well how do you like that - Fats' Advice Column has not only gone global, it's gone interplanetary.  There's really only one place to go from here: intergalactic.  But perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves already.  There are plenty of people left to help here on Earth first. 

Well, Pluto, I feel that your situation, while certainly grave and demanding complete and immediate attention, might be a bit limited.  Simply put, there aren't many of my readers who have had their longstanding title of 'planet' taken from them.  And it's not that I don't know about your specific situation.  Hell, I recently read your Online Survey that you seethingly penned the other day.  I know your pain.  I know it well.  I call it "Jean."  But in order to allow for a more general scope of interest, I'm going to boil your question down to it's essence: "How Can I Make Killer Crabcakes?"

First, Pluto, the key is finding the perfect fish hatchery, where the crab meat is not only the most tender, but also the most sanitarily prepared.  Then, it is all about olive oil and skillet-skillz. 

Oh, I just had it pointed out that the core of your question was a bit muddled, Pluto.  Let me reread... hzuzhzuzuhzuuzhuuzhhzhuuzh.  Got it.  "How Can I Get Back in Good Graces?"  Which is good for you to learn now, Mr. Has-Been, because you've already made a cuckold of me with this question, and you are officially on Fats' Poop List.  But I'll help you anyway, and you can use my tips so that I may not despise you forever. 

It's a sticky wicket indeed, this issue of feeling inadequate and needing redemption.  Let's say you've disappointed your boss, or forgotten your girlfriend's birthday, or inadvertently forgotten your child at school for the past week and a half.  Is all hope lost?  NO.  There are many ways to get off their poop list.  The first is to never do anything wrong in the first place.  It sounds like the obvious solution, but many people don't actually go through with it.  It does require a bit of dedication, however, not doing anything wrong ever.  Appease everyone.  If two people are in direct conflict and want polar opposite things to happen, see that they both get their way.  Work some magic. 

I'll assume, though, that not everyone will do this, and will eventually slip up.  The second thing you can do to earn favor is blackmail.  Let's say, for instance, that you have accidentally killed your neighbor's husband, and you want to make ammends.  A person's natural instinct will be to win favor by implementing acts of goodwill and overt kindness.  This is the worst thing you can do, as it will put you in a position of weakness, and the other party will have the upper hand.  In fact, that's what you did wrong in your question, trying to butter me up with that 'much too good looking' comment.  Never admit fault.   Instead, immediately, send a note written in the husband's blood to the neighor saying (and copy what I have verbatim, don't take creative license), "Unless you become my friend, your kids are next, neighbor!"  NEVER admit fault.  If you extorted money from your company and they're threatening to sue, send them a note.  "Unless you drop the lawsuit, your kids are next, employer!"  This literally works for anything.  You steal your best friend's girlfriend?  "Unless you get a new girlfriend, your kids are next, freak!"  You really can't miss.  Just follow this formula: "Unless you your goal for them, your kids are next, derrogatory/sacastic name!"  If necessary, add gunfire to emphasize your point. 

But what about you, Pluto?  It sounds like in your case, you feel like you are not to blame in the first place, and you still need to work to get yourself in good standings.  If that's the case, #'s 1 and 2 won't cut it.  In such an instance, what you need to do is take invasive action.  Learn as much about this person/company/nunnery as you can.  Determine their interests, their beliefs, their hobbies.  Emulate this person as much as possible.  Become just like them in every way: clothing, schedule, hairstyle, sexual orientation, method in which they perpare ham.  If there's one thing it's hard to hold a grudge against, it's someone exactly like you.   I know personally, I only held a grudge against myself once, and it was because I totally deserved it.  Once you are essentially one with them (to the point where they will often have trouble differentiating themselves from you), you will be set, because if they ever feel the need to turn on you, they will probably turn on themselves, confusing themselves for you.

Good luck with the retribution thing, Pluto, but if I don't see blackmail notes soon, I'll assume you're never gonna get it right.  So it looks like more and more people are finding out about Fats' Advice Column, which means it's working.  I'm helping people out.  But remember this, people.  I'm only as good as you are ungood.  So keep the ungoodness coming.