Fats, I'm a 28 year old single lady. How should I maximize my time as a single lady? What should I do??
Now this is something I can relate to: having a plural first name. I’m sure all the Jameses and Andreses and especially poor Elizabeths Goober would agree. It had to be tough growing up with that name, Boobs, especially in Intercourse, PA. If you’re not from Intercourse, PA, well that’s just an opportunity wasted, now isn’t it?
Being single is the greatest thing in the world, apart from finding a million dollars in a river, tickling a Pope, or eating a particularly good roast beef sandwich. Before I married that parasite of a first wife, who still owes me $11 for all that hand sanitizer, ole’ Fats was a notorious bachelor, intriguing and beguiling single ladies from Kansas City (MO) all the way to Kansas City (KS). At the local watering hole, Hot Plates, Friday night was known as Fats’ Night, where anyone with a valid photo ID proving that Fats was their first name would get a free shot of Bogmint Liqueur. Let me tell you, myself and Fats Stude-Baker made out like bandits, at least when we made it out before passing out in pools of our own bogmint.
The point I’m trying to make is to enjoy your time now before you are shackled with the cumbersome restraints of commitment. You’re in the prime of your life, physically speaking. So before your love handles turn into love anchors and your skin begins to closely resemble a Jackson Pollock mishap, show off your body while you can. And don’t wait until Halloween to dress up as a slutty variant of a mundane profession. For a limited time, you can purchase any one of a limited-edition line of alluring costumes from my clothing line, Fats’ Nearly Naked Duds. Fresh off the assembly line this year are the Sexy Restauranteur, the Slutty Sanitation Worker, the Trampy Assistant Tax Assessor, or the brand-new Freaky Fishmonger. When you are sporting our top-selling Licentious Urologist costume, Boobs, your first name will become the least interesting thing about you, Boobs.
But maybe you are a more humble girl who doesn’t like seeing how close, in microns, you can come to having exposed areola without actually doing so. That’s fine, though I’d question your belief system in that case. The fact is that you’re likely out of formalized schooling at this point, and your social net has been torn asunder by the swordfish of adult life. That’s a load of horse shackles, I say. With this burgeoning age of social media, there are plenty of clubs out there with highly specialized interests. The important thing to remember is: pick a group who is actively involved with something you are either disinterested in or passionately opposed to. Really, to become active in a group of people who share the exact same interests as you will stunt your social growth and your acceptance for new things. A recent poll (with a margin of error of +/- 73%) showed that 73% of people who were active in social groups that shared common interests thought this was a stupid poll. What can we learn from those numbers? People who simply follow the grain and stick around being “yes-men” were likely to turn into dissatisfied and jaded people who are too haughty to take one minute out of their schedules to answer a single question. You don’t want to be one of those people, do you? So find some groups that might fall outside your typical comfort zone. Currently, I’m the Treasurer of the Yay Politics Foundation, Sergeant-At-Arms of the local chapter of the Helping Society Society, and am currently lobbying to become the Viceroy of the Chilean Crocheting Coalition. And I’ve never been happier, except when I have to go to any of these meetings.
Finally, you’re young, but you’re never too young to make a ‘Bucket List.’ This concept was popularized in the Morgan Freeman classic, The Shawshank Redemption, where he made a list of things he wanted to achieve before he got nominated for any other acting awards. Of course, in the movies, the concept of a bucket list has been muddled from its original meaning. Yours should be a list of things you want to do in your lifetime, and all of them should, in some way, incorporate a bucket. It could (should, really) look something like this:
- Finish my degree in Sand Castle Building
- Take my bucket to Venice
- Bang Johnny Depp (using the bucket to prop up the camera)
- Go to every Cubs game until they win the World Series (the bucket is to put over your head to ease the pain)
- Visit the Nantucket Bucket Museum (MA)
- Get breasts enlargement surgery (you’ll need a very protective bra after the procedure)
- Be the first to win the Nobel Prize in Bucketry
- Tickle the Pope with a Bucket
The important thing about a Bucket List is to complete every single thing on it before you die, or else everything you’ve done in your life is in vain. I can’t stress this enough. Omitting or incompletely performing even a single entry on your list will result in a lifetime of achievement washed away by an overwhelming torrent of failure. Your legacy will forever be branded on your tombstone with the epitaph: “Wasted so much oxygen.” This will give urgency to your goals, and if the only thing on your list on your deathbed is to smack Jonah Hill in the face with a bucket, you’ll be getting on the phone with the Make-A-Wish Foundation so fast, he’ll only have time to eat fifty Krispy Kreme donuts before showing up to help fulfill your destiny.
Failing all these, you could always give me a call, Boobs. There are a number of other suggestions I would be happy to demonstrate in person, but most of them require the unnaturally long arms of my assistant Tendrils. For everyone else who needs a little guidance in their lives, send me a note with your question. My advice is like a Lady Gaga song: it’ll stay with you until you die and you will hate yourself for knowing that every word of it is true.