12. Work on your flexibility by trying to put a mask on without using your hands.

11. Eat spinach. Develop impractically large forearms. Fall in love with a sentient flagpole.

10. Switch the raw eggs for quick protein out with Hydroxychloroquine.

9. Since you can’t go to the gym, do ten push-ups for every minute you spend on the phone trying to get your membership fees back from the gym.

8. They say laughter is the best medicine. It’s true. Buy Danzercise, which is just a best-of clip collection from Who’s the Boss where the inimitable Tony Danza helps you laugh, giggle, chortle, and guffaw your way to a healthier, slimmer you. Available on VHS and laserdisc.

7. Exercise your thumbs by pressing up up down down left right left right B A. At worst, it’ll give you 30 extra lives with which to combat COVID-19.

6. Vegetables.  They’re not just for ignorin’.

5. Do a plank. Be prepared for splinters.

4. Eat a random piece of furniture in the house.  Depending on what you pick it’ll either toughen you up or poison you into losing serious weight.  No matter what you win!

3. Invent a game like cornhole where you throw garbage into a garbage can. Great, now close the bag and take it out to the street, Hal, like I asked you to do three times already.

2. Roll four 6-sided dice and pray for a good strength score.

1. Cap’n Crunches and Onion Dips.  Maybe add a few Cheese Curls.


prev    main    next