The ‘Dash Dictionary

Okay, I know this is already available on my website, but I recently re-read it and it had me laughing out loud a few times. Enjoy.

 

abbozzo: any pasta made entirely from abstract materials such as anecdotes or victory (Corey)

abigus: not quite French (Will)

able-whackets: to be so skilled at cricket that you can almost explain the rules to someone else (Jay Lawton)

acouchy: that feeling you get when you pet your cat so much that you bore through to its muscle layer (Bryan)

acronyx: a numbering system that used letters, but in 1728, the year spelled out “dickhead” so it was never used again (Derek)

agama: from the Latin word meaning “truth”, it’s a sandwich (Derek)

anatta: a South African American bald eagle found only in Iceland native to Australia (Mitch)

annicut: to cheat on your taxes by copying off the guy next to you (Derek)

antiambulo: fuzzy lap flounder (Bryan)

apodixis: a pack of Bruce Willis (Will)

bafalo: to follow your shadow as far as the forest, where he totally loses you (Derek)

baldachin: a yiddle itty bitty cute ‘n’ fuzzy widdle omnipotent being (Stephanie)

baleen: to purposely spell a wrong word in a spelling bee so that it spells a dirty word (e.g. “country … D-I-C-K … country”) (Corey)

banxring: to freeze your toes just in case you stub your toe. That way, the toe breaks clean off instead of that annoying 2 seconds of uncomfortableness (Mitch)

barbone: to throw one’s penis so the woman doesn’t know where that orgasm is coming from (Derek)
barmbrak : super-sleuth Don Knotts and his dancing troupe the Frayed Knotts (Scott)

barney: the unthinkable type of sock that has no place for the foot to enter (Caroline)

baroxyton: when bears ravage your car by siphoning your gas for their RV (Jay Lawton)

bathycolpian: the term given to people rather than borrowed or stolen (Kevin)

bechic : to attract attention to one’s stoma by installing a full-size ceiling fan in it (Bryan)

beek: what James VanDerBeek’s agent made him change the last syllable of his name to. His real name is James Vandercutlet (Bryan)

begigged: compared to peas (Will)

bezoar : the T.V. made with glare built in so there is no annoying glare from the lights (Caroline)

bildad: the reverse effect of an amoeba but with humans where all people fuse together into one (Chris)

billycock: the medieval phrase, “too much plague, not enough dancing” (Corey)

bingy: a tiny maneuverable vessel used in war and found in the birth canal (Kevin)

bobabza (1): a mine rich in ore, similar to Bonanza, a show rich in horses (Aaron)

bobabza (2): a pole commonly used to fake children into thinking they are being rescued from the well.  You wave the stick, kids gets optimistic, we all have a good laugh (Eric R)

bollard: an ancient Egyptian game where the man holding stick tries to squiggly lines (Derek)

bonamano: the annoying canyon between me and the other canyon (Bryan)

boodin: the insistence on using chopsticks to play Chopsticks, arguing that ‘that’s how he would have wanted it.’ Hey, it’s not as bad as when you insisted on eating kung-pow chicken in the piano (Bryan)

boondoggle: an assassin that kills his victims so slowly that his methods are often confused with natural causes (Will)

breastweed: a lizard’s tail, used to cure inflammation of the breast: “Hi, have we met? I’m a lizard” (Paul)

buccula: the non-working title of Scott Bakula’s best selling book on how to kill deer. It is now called, “Quantum Heap…of Deer” (Bryan)

bufagin: parallel lines in love…so tragic (Corey)

bummalo (1): the spot on your skin where your body tries to escape (Caroline)

bummalo (2): someone who has made it their life-long goal to be the universal “THAT guy” (Alisha)

capernoited: slightly tipsy, not drunk, but tipsy enough to get your head stuck in a Trapper Keeper (Stacey)

carwitchet: the French word for “croissant” (Corey)

cenobite : to knock over a volcano (Derek)

clarigate: that one spelunker who insists on having a strobe light on his helmet because, “Hey, life’s a party” (Corey)

cleek: Milton Bradley’s classic board game “Cleek” where the objective is to hurt people with the pieces. Roll for bruises! (Jay Lawton)

coire: one who courts a young lady by licking her shoulder to the rhythm of any Beastie Boys tune (Jaime)

conspectable: an adjective that comes before a noun, only to leave a slick trail of oil behind it, so that the noun slips and hurtles headlong into the already nervous preposition, ruining the whole predicate dance (Bryan)

crannog: being 10 paces or less from a colander (Will)

craquelure: a store in which to buy new bags of rusty nails for the playpen (Aaron)

crottels: funeral game where the family of the deceased has three chances to place the body in the grave using a cannon (Corey)

dandypratt: the flamboyant wrestler that, for some reason, everybody wants to wrestle (Ron)

deambulacrum: the ability to suck God through a straw (Mitch)

degrugger (1): is when sunlight becomes semi-hard and everyone ends up spending the day getting hit in the head and staggering around (Cyrus)

degrugger (2): a large bi-pedal arachnid completely laughing in the face of Mother Nature (Aaron)

deipnophobia: the fear of nocturnal emissions becoming as strong as solar emissions (Derek)

dithyramb: rock hard nips used to dial old rotary phones (Scott)

doddard: an elusive word that hides in small puddles though “regal”, who is It right now, is searching through the dictionary (Kevin)

drapetomania: the scientific term for “the scientific term for” (Mitch)

dronkship: to attend a funeral dressed only in cub scouts (Derek)

drupe (1): a person whose stomach does not work, but luckily has epilepsy and can use a strobe light to digest (Corey)

drupe (2): that sinking feeling you get when your boat goes down (Aaron)

dudolo : someone so bad at digging that they cause injury to others (Will)

duffing: while passing a car with a ski rack, testing the water resistance of your watch (Aaron)

dupion: the feeling of dread you get just before the Dating Game comes on…and usually after…and during (Will)

elflock: the popular never released ending for (Kevin)

ennead: to legally change your name to the entire contents of the Bible just so you can give people Bibles instead of having to sign autographs (Derek)

eroteme: the European A-Team with Prime Minister Strom Thurmon as B.A. Baracus. “I pity the foo who don’t eat tea and crumpets!!” (Jay Lawton)

euneirophrenia: to sit quietly with reckless abandon (Cyrus)

facula: to throw your arms into the air in celebration then run before they fall on you (Aaron)

faulx (1): a cross between a single use copier and an earthquake fault line (Cyrus)

faulx (2): the confused look you give when you discover you can put your hand into your stomach so far it pops out your back without drawing blood (Mitch)

feaze: the small metal object placed in 5% of all children at birth so they set off airport metal detectors for apparently no reason (Scott)

fenugreek: salad greens grown to taunt the starving kids (Jason Wahler)

fewterer: the misguided pistol prototype that had no barrel (Matt S)

fewterer: really fewter (Lynly)

fitzhugh: the lowest octane gasoline at the Lukoil station.  So low that it can only be used for Hot Wheels (Aaron)

fleam: the world’s largest steam-powered monk (Bryan and Mitch)

fleer: it’s one of those new slang words like “dope”, “phat”, and “fly”, but in reality, it means “rabies”. Example: “Yo man, I gots fleer” (Jay Lawton)

flews: the tears in the neck caused by eating shards of glass (Kevin)

flicer: a special breed of goldfish that likes to be skipped across lakes just like those flat pebbles (Eric B)

foiter : (said in a French accent) “when stupid Americans pronounce fotiay wrong” (Aaron)

footle: a Canadian sport that closely resembles the murder mystery episode of The Facts of Life (Will)

fossick: monetary unit used by the dinosaurs…economy collapsed due to lack of pockets (Scott)

foulcher: the best part of waking up is a foulcher in your bed.  The worst part is explaining this to the foulcher’s parents (Stephanie)

frantling: the capital of the eyebrow (Dan)

furbam: the noise an exploding bunny makes (Susan)

furbelows: the first level of Boy Scout, which you graduate from after nabbing your first Brownie (Aaron)

gallinipper: the most homeless person (Caroline)

ganosis: a small species of beaver that invades homes and pretends to be an ottoman. If you put your feet on it, you will find it to be quite comfy (Cyrus)

gavelock: when you crush a Quaker with your mind (Dierdre)

geropigia: a convicted outdoor-fountain thief (Derek)

glair: the 5th Golden Girl, who’s gimmick was being offensive and getting looks; removed from the show after the pilot episode for her famous comments, “Hitler was a brilliant man who never did anything wrong in his lifetime.” (Aaron)

goolos: the reject Cherrios cereal. “These Goolos taste just like Grandpa!” (Jason Waller)

gradine : the single exact difference between TV show character George Kastanza and the Easter Bunny (Kevin)

gremial: a collection of knife wounds.  Trade conventions are rather rare (Kevin)

gulgul : the time of day best suited for a crusade (Derek)

gunkhole: the elementary school teacher’s vocabulary word for children who bring in crap for show & tell (Erika)

hackmatach: the love-making technique of Gene Hackman (Rachel)

hectocotylus: the inevitable evolution of stethoscopes into barley (Mitch)

hector: a plant eating man native to Earth (Mitch)

hidrotic: a dance technique in a ninja strip club that involves turning off all the lights and leaving quietly (Cyrus)

hippogriff : the Hieroglyphic on a pyramid that means ‘pull in case of fire’ (Kevin)

hirple: the one thing science has proven that actually does amount to a hill of beans (Aaron)

hodiernal: the slide at the waterpark where one out of six people lose their soul (Mitch)

hoker: to ridicule someone to the point of eczema (Will)

homobrant: not-so-common garden tool used for nothing of importance (Aaron)

hypoprosexia: a testicular disorder found in women of the opposite sex (Dierdre)

janker : pirate talk for tea-time (Kevin)

jeofail: a mistake made by a lawyer – the mistake was that he’s actually not a lawyer at all, he’s a dentist (Mitch)

jequirity: the staunch belief that priests are sweaters (Bryan)

ka-ka (1): a piece of pound cake that travels over to the other side because it really wants to be a wedding cake (Rachel)

ka-ka (2): the sheepish grin you give the judge after he finds out that Exhibit B is a pile of bloody babies (Derek)

kalanchoe (1): the new elephant recruited by the Knicks under the philosophy that all good basketball players are from Africa (Corey)

kalanchoe (2): a chandelier made with little suns with tiny universes orbiting them (Mitch)

kantharos: the unpopular Greek guy who always got stuck taking pictures of everyone else (Derek)

keddah: a roller coaster where the people in the first car are responsible for keeping it on the track (Corey)

kennebunker: in World War I, a fort made out of the wounded soldiers named Earl who were supposed to be sent home (Aaron)

kerpucket: to ignore someone politely (note: the actual word for the round was ‘murginger’) (Kevin)

kickshaw: brand of fish that swims downstream, eats bugs, lays eggs-hell, it’s just a regular fish but it’s got a damn good marketing department (Stephanie)

kilhig: to blog in Russian even if you don’t know Russian (example: Ravolshnik ptolmelk en varshnik Christopher Lloyd!  Ha ha!  Vodka!) (Bryan)

killick: the very very slow sound made by a very very slow revolver as it is very very slowly cocked. k i l l i c … k (Stephanie)

kinnikinnik: an old Cherokee tribal game. The rules are simple: a bunch of Cherokee sit in a circle, and close their eyes. The first one to develop a sense of ownership wins. Everyone else gets their land taken away, their children sold and their pride destroyed (Bryan)

kipsey: an envelope filled with “the shakes” (Caroline)

kloof: cliff extensions (Kevin)

knurlin (1): a priest collar that slaps on like one of those early 90’s slap bracelets (Bryan)

knurlin (2): little tiny throat deer (Mitch)

kokopolo: a tropical disease so common that you’re not allowed into South America without it (Derek)

kolacky: to raise your hand in class, and when your teacher calls on you, making sure their attention is on your hand, slowly and methodically lower it (Bryan)

lanugo: the calculated unit of time between the beginning of a Bill Cosby impersonation and the point where the impersonator makes a Jello Pudding reference (Will)

latrobe: the last effort of an ailing country to stay underwater for just a few more seconds (Bryan)

liebig (1): nationality-changing paintballs. “Haha, you’re Croatian!” (Mitch)

liebig (2): the “Devil Went Down to Georgia” action figure set (Corey)

logie: the first word to mean ‘logic’, but it didn’t make sense, so they changed it (Mark)

loppet: to stumble, while walking or running, into a vat of ill-tempered wolverines with ADD, so they forget to hurt you and you can just swim through (Bryan)

lusk : a Mormon fish tickler (Derek)

macadoub: a prosthetic soul (Mitch)

madefy: to replace your head with a mirror just so you are infinite when you look into a mirror (Derek)

maffle: the term for when you begin to sneeze, some random person comes up and covers your mouth and without wiping his hand, runs away (Cyrus)

makebate: what bait-makers do when they’re not denouncing ballet and promoting tap (Bryan)

manit: a pause in hand-to-hand combat because one of the combatants has an itch “down there” (Jay Marshall)

manypleise: the disease that causes cows to have blotches instead of stripes. It is very common (Greg)

marlish: to continuously give blood in order to have more room for chili (Corey)

mawworm: an evasive wall (Derek)

mehari (1): a giant stone used to sort through large pieces of baby (Aaron)

mehari (2): spite filled balloons that, when popped, erase your entire family and family history right off the planet (Mitch)

menseful (1): a jail term . . . just a jail term (Ron)

menseful (2): a topographic error. ex: to have a mountain range in your rectum (Derek)

mercaptan (1): bringing a cadaver to take-your-daughter-to-work day (Will)

mercaptan (2): Underwater Breathing Self Apparatus Contained. UBSAC never caught on (Scott)

mizzy: the tabloid section of the stock report (Kevin)

musnud (1): a failed wrestler whose gimmick was that he did laundry. Musnud the Launderer (Aaron)

musnud (2): having the same characteristics as a flea market (Derek)

mustelid: when Bryan walks into a party and says “Wow, I musteleid ’em all by now” and leaves (Mitch)

natatorium: a museum that houses imaginary musical instruments, such as the euphorium, the chum drum, and the kickinthenutsaphone (Derek)

navicert: not a piece of toast; the whole toast (Derek)

nullanulla: kinda like a much much larger version of the Molotov Cocktail – using a crane, you take an already flaming building and drop it on the building you want to set on fire (Corey)

nurdle (1): smells like ovaries (Corey)

nurdle (2): a well-hung participle (Aaron)

ollapod: to velcro a bunny to your forehead because you like the way the fur makes your eyes water (Mitch)

omphaloskepsis: when you see a girl and it looks like her mascara is running and you ask, “Excuse me, have you been crying?” and she says “IT’S VOLCANIC ASH, YOU FUCKING JERK!” (Mitch)

oologist: one who looks for ways to make irony more apparent, for instance, turning smoke detectors into fire hazards by piling them in front of all exits (Corey)

orison: giving birth to a baby. . .(pause). . .orally (Jason Waller)

ouscutate: to suck on the Pope (I never said it was legal) (Will)

pannychous: to become a carpenter solely because you can vomit caulk (Mitch)

pawleekarpick: the slut of all fruit trees it bears fruit many times every night for a different farmer and has no self-respect for itself because of a daddy complex (Domo)

pesade : to carry around your baby like a football, occasionally passing it off to strangers to see if they’ll run with it or not (Derek)

petasus: a remote-control bush (Will)

philater: a device used to loosen up the clump of dead people in my cave…my cave of Dead People (Bryan)

pintle: the raised bumps in an infant’s forehead that complement the indentations on the golf ball that left them (Eric R)

pizzle: a trap that’s nearly impossible to get caught in because it involves being 6000 degrees at the time of capture (Derek)

pleach: a person who latches onto barnacles “to return the favor” (Aimee)

plimsoll: a fruit with radioactive pit and paralyzing spikes. It’s very difficult to eat, but as they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you radioactive and paralyzed” (Eric R)

plumbago: a medical deficiency in bones; i.e. less than three (Derek)

plumbum (1): an alarm clock that only tells you when it’s not time to wake up (Corey)

plumbum (2): to find inner peace in your wife – no wait, that’s another dude (Derek)

ponzi (1): a reverse kamakazi pilot; he crashes his plane in such a way that it induces labor (Derek)

ponzi (2): to successfully shower before the porcupine gets REALLY jealous (Mitch)

poonac: a clever reversal of the failed McDonald’s promotion “Happy Can O’ Poop” to disguise the true contents of the meal (Dr. Fenkart)

poppism: p.o. – you smell; p.p. – tinkle; ism – in the fashion.  Ergo, poppism = you smell like trendy piss (Paul)

powsowdy: to reap the benefits of fascism in a monkey suit (Bryan)

princox: a succession of events that beings with an avalanche and ends with strawberry fritters (Derek)

prushun: what my Grandma used to call me after her untimely demise. Of course, I had to move her mouth and do the voice, but whatever, it’s her (Bryan)

punty: a rodent very similar to a doric column (Kevin)

ramfeezled: a word that when written in a circle brings about the rebirth of the League of Nations (Kevin)

rataplan: the side of your mother she doesn’t often show (Derek)

recto : the spot on the stomach of a baby that invariably makes them laugh when touched. Be careful! It’s one millimeter away from the spot that makes them crack in half (Derek)

rosmarine: an ancient berry used to calm deer who are trying to come to terms with his or her homosexuality (Jaime)

sapit: it was a dark and stormy night…the pants were eating their dinner and I was enjoying the Jets game. Now you know this isn’t real…no one enjoys a Jets game (Aaron)

sardoodledum: stepping on a pair of glasses while your sister is still wearing them (Dierdre)

scandaroon: to pull a fast one on Richard Nixon (Alisha)

scarpology: humping for points (Bryan)

scarrow (1): when, for the sake of variation, the priest stops breaking bread and starts breaking bones (Derek)

scarrow (2): a short stroll along a timeline (Alisha)

schnecke (1): exhibitionist snakes who actually track down those Discovery Channel people in order to have sex on cable TV (Borch)

schnecke (2): a pet name you give to one you think you love, but in actuality, you’re just using them for their burning tire-yard (Eric R)

sclaff: the part of the body (Derek)

scotoma: a skateboard move resulting in change of gender, cross-dressing, or the desire to drink milk with businessmen (Jaime)

scrobiculate (1): to fill a coffin with a dead body instead of honey (Corey)

scrobiculate (2): the term referring to the first time testicular cancer was misdiagnosed as ‘testicular dancer’ (Bryan)

scroot: a raft made for stealing (Kevin)

scumble: a technical term for pole-vaulting when the pole vaulter runs in the wrong direction and leaps into the stands (Cyrus)

scuppernong: a time of day in Switzerland where everyone goes home to use the toaster (Aaron)

scurfer : association based on negatives as in: if everything then [end universe here] (Kevin)

seckel : anyone who thinks they are involved in the Battle of Hastings whenever they attend parties (Will)

sermunckle: the situation in a baseball game wherein a baserunner gets a line drive lodged in his face, then in his agony runs into the outfield and over the wall, resulting in a homerun (Bryan)

shebo: the use of feng shui as a form of combat (Corey)

shilpit: an adopted child just after they found out their real dad was hung in the Nuremberg Trial (Kevin)

shoon (1): a small clay tool used to push bits of anti-matter under the carpet (Stephanie)

shoon (2): when shadows fall in love (Caroline)

sinopis: when explaining a story, to make it much longer and more boring than the original. See Will Hickey (Derek)

sirretch: to contend that the only one who can eat a Reese’s the wrong way is Catherine Hepburn (Bryan)

skeg: the diseased portion of Romper Room (Bryan)

skerfer: to have a wonderful name but mysteriously lack initials (Bryan)

skimmington: a talking stuffed bear that never made it on the market due to the fact that young British children couldn’t give two shits about yard work (Corey)

sklodowskite: the active ingredient in sin (Bryan)

slobgollion: to remove a tooth using a pea with the gravitational pull of a black hole (Mitch)

sloom: a Egyptian carpet which jealously lusts after the Oriental carpet’s husband, Charles (Kevin)

slumboes: a daring acrobatic move that creates a rift in time, sending 10,000 angry Norsemen right into the fray of some poor little girl’s dismount (Derek)

smeddum: the pasty substance left on the treads of the monster truck after it makes it all the way through the day-care center (Derek)

sniggle: to catch eels by throwing bait into their hiding place and watching as they jump into your bucket to express their thanks (Corey)

snollygoster: a mythological beast who served a brief stint as the secretary of state until they stopped telling stories about him (Aaron)

snook: a new take on an old children’s game, also called “Duck Duck Rape” (Mitch)

sord : to compete biologically (Dierdre)

spanghew: to be religiously excommunicated for thinking that Mount St. Helens is not a volcano, but an order from God (Bryan)

spatang: the sound oranges would make when simulating a shoot-out, if oranges were allowed to own guns (Corey)

spatilomancy: a form of modern dance no longer used because of the great percentage who caught fire (Derek)

sphairistike: a roller coaster with no restraints, no seats, no remorse. It stops at the peak of a loop, allowing all passengers to spill to the ground, then seconds later, the train comes crashing down upon them to finally silence their terrified screams (Bryan)

splacknuck: Polish cousin of the renowned satellite, Splacknuck successfully orbited the Harrington Park traffic circle three times before plummeting into the Hudson River, where it dissolved (Stephanie)

spoffler: a woman who could suck the chrome off a doorknob, and often does; from the German spoeffel, one who dislikes shiny objects (Stephanie)

squatinid (1): unusually small receptacle used to hold N’Sync’s talent (Stephanie)

squatinid (2): a frustration specific only to finding out you have no ankles although you clearly remember them being there yesterday (Jeff)

squitters: an intern that never does anything right (i.e. – “Squitters, when I say donuts, I mean DONUTS!”) (Will)

stanhope: when the day of reckoning becomes so commonplace that it comes after the sports in the newscast (Derek)

stickamstam: when the doctor accidentally removes your skull but not the head so your face kinda flops about. Then he says, “Oooooh, Shrinkidinks!” (Mitch)

tankle (1): to have all the blood flow to your extremities cut off by militant white blood cells (Aaron)

tankle (2): to sanctify victims of crib deaths by racing the cribs down the street and over the bodies (Jay M)

tapetum: where nuns go to knit new priests. Also, a type of kelp useful in training said nuns to knit (Mike F.)

taphophilia: a strong affinity for funerals that involve the throwing of a bouquet to determine who gets to die next (Corey)

taplash (1): a moat filled not with water but with castles (Aaron and Derek)

taplash (2): a portrait created with perishable materials so you can watch the person rot away over the years (Corey)

tappen: dance-based accounting system where a soft-shoe scuff represents ones, a left-right ball change represents tens, and so on (Stephanie)

tappoon: like a harpoon, but used to gain one’s attention, not so much kill them (Keith)

tektite: an infant holster (Bryan)

teledu: a moon of Saturn which, in a bold act of rebellion, gave up glowing and became a voice-over artist (Derek)

teleran: when your shadow complains because you’re always in the way of it getting a tan (Bryan)

tench (1): the tree grown from “Roots” the miniseries (Paul)

tench (2): the plural of ten (Caroline)

thenar: the 17th second before an explosion. Every second before an explosion has its own individual word; drives physicists crazy (Eric R)

thesicle: a replacement testicle full of angry, angry sperm without remorse, and they attack the egg with reckless abandon, those sperm, leaving only wanton destruction in their wake (Bryan)

thob: to pattern one’s pants like the Israeli flag and make pilgrimages to yourself (Bryan)

tiffing: a verb meaning to car (Kevin)

tilbury: the ghetto name for Pillsbury products. The Tilbury dough boy carries a gun and a crack pipe (Stacey)

topepo: a eucalyptus tree with retracting ten inch spikes which it uses to play nasty pranks on unsuspecting koalas (Corey)

tragomasehalia: the farthest a skydiver can fall before changing his mind and getting back on the plane (Derek)

tragopan: the addition of the mythical Satyr to the Power Rangers team. “Tragopan: flute attack!” (Jason Waller)

trork: to re-enact famous and decisive naval battles in your bathtub using actual sea-craft (Derek)

tucket: the long part of a wheel (Aaron)

tweeny: a really small yarmulke for a really small Jew (Susan)

vaccary : I still believe in the Easter Bunny (Borch)

verbigeration: recycling ugly people into productive members of our night shifts (Erika)

vinegaroon: started as a joke between a priest and Tattoo from Fantasy Island, it was a short Mexican citrus Jesus (Bryan)

vuggs: a venereal disease that is quite pleasant, actually (Derek)

wanion: the realization that menstruation is actually bad luck due to the waning of the moon (Cyrus)

weedmonkey: def: not applicable (Keith)

witzelsucht: alternate lyrics to the George Thorogood classic, “One bourbon, one scotch, one witzelsucht.” (Will)

woopnacker: a phenomenally moving and emotional eulogy (just approach a priest at the end of a funeral, hold out your hand, and tell him, “Nice woopnacker, Father”) (Will)

wungee (1): the man who holds the world record for stuffing Indians down his pants (Derek)

wungee (2): when your bungee cord snaps and you are no longer pulling wungee, it’s more like 6-7 G’s (Mitch)

xerotic (1): the really bad porn that nobody ever rents and they wind up putting it in the kids section (Ron)

xerotic (2): the feeling that you owe it all to maple syrup (Will)

xystus: the new Sega video game system so real, you just pay $600 at the counter, then walk around the real world remarking how good and realistic the graphics are (Bryan)

zaffer: tiny people that pan your hair for gold (Dierdre)
zobo: the little boy on the pogo stick jumping to keep his fingers (Aaron)

zoster : to excrete nuns (Stephanie)

March 22, 1903: the River Styx first opens its ferry service to the damned (Kevin)

November 4, 1914: this date used to be an important date in history until it was discovered that it wrote its own Wikipedia entry (Corey)

November 4, 1914: the opening of the first movie with sound.  Oddly, people weren’t surprised by the talking, but by the fact that the movie was Pootie Tang (Jay Lawton)

May 7, 1914: in an attempt to gain momentum in his candidacy for ‘Most Hated German of the 20th Century’, Kaiser Wilhelm buys a full-page ad in the newspaper to put a picture of him molesting a child wrapped in the German flag (Aaron)

September 1, 1914: the passenger pigeon became extinct in a tragic rush hour 6 million bird pile-up (Aimee)

March 7, 1917: day 9 of the Welsh protest against glee (Eric R)

January 26, 1925: Erwin Phipps announces that he’s invented the female orgasm.  Under further scrutiny, he admitted it was just an upside-down pie tin and a bit of string (Stephanie)

January 26, 1925: an alchemist discovers a cure for cancer, but then remembers he’s an asshole (Sara)

April 9, 1928: after a terrible and bloody feud with February 21 1928, April 9th was dubbed Sir April 9th, 1928 (Kevin)

October 28, 1929: the day the Great Anticipation gave way to Feelings of Inadequacy (Paul)

August 1, 1932: the “short bus” is born, thus ending the tradition of dragging retarded kids through the streets, attached by fishing line to a VW Bug to get them to school (Will)

August 1, 1932: the parachute was improved on by attaching strings to the chute (Corey)

July 28, 1933: Nintendo launches their popular depression-series card battle game.  Featuring Scruffy Hobo the Stockbroker and Jiggly-Child Molester Puff Man (Jeff D)

March 3, 1939: “Sprite” was invented, although due to an error in production, it was called “Spite” and it was filled with kerosene (Derek)

January 19, 1946: failing to admit to losing the war, Germany decides to invade themselves, to make them feel better (Aaron)

July 31, 1948: Pontius Pilate realizes the irony of the whole situation (Derek)

July 13, 1954: the day the Earth stopped rotating for 12 seconds, causing the single largest immigration (Aaron)

June 18, 1958: Darwinian evolution comes to a halt and starts to go funky when creatures start adapting features that will kill them off quicker: eagles evolve lead-weight talons, spiders lose all eight legs and their torso…etc (Derek)

November 3, 1957: the day some uppity chick got smacked around too much and thought, ‘Hey, feminism would be good about now’ (Susan)

November 3, 1957: the day the music was diagnosed with cervical cancer (Derek)

June 18, 1958: Darwinian evolution comes to a halt and starts to go funky when creatures start adapting features that will kill them off quicker: eagles evolve lead-weight talons, spiders lose all eight legs and their torso… etc (Derek)

August 16. 1958: the first date in history whose numeric date is an oxymoron (Eric R)

August 16, 1958: the day the goldfish was implemented (Caroline)

August 16, 1962: the date of the failed attempt at the Kennedy Assassination…the CIA greatly overestimated the toxicity of Marilyn Monroe (Joe Time)

February 22, 1963: the day the phrase “to be continued…” (Aimee)

March 29, 1971: we all decided to get totally drunk. We drunk punch which was spiked with mouthwash…which was spiked with rum…which was spiked with TERROR! (Eric R)

March 25, 1975: Hans von Munchen Bussler, 32nd in line to be King of Saudi Arabia, is killed by his nephew.  Oddly, this actually knocks Bussler up to No. 5 in succession (Angela)

February 10, 1987: the last date to be conquered by February 5th in forming the President’s Day empire (Corey)

April 23, 1988: the day that refuses to bare its midriff of 5’s, 6’s and 7’s (Emily)

June 28, 1988: on this date, an unholy alliance was formed between Gerber Foods and Smith and Wesson. “Look Sweetie, here comes the airplane…BANG!” (Bryan)

July 31, 1988: Egypt thought they entered the space race by successfully launching a bottle rocket in the air. They were told mid-August they were wrong (Aaron)

Anton Van Leeuwenhoek: inventor of the microscope and centrifuge. Sometimes he gets really drunk and tries to find out how dizzy he can make an organism get (Mitch)

Arnold Fornichou: the first person to put an ailing pet to sleep, though his method of unceremoniously lobbing them into a pork shanker was quickly replaced (Bryan)

Betty and Richard James: the infamous lovebirds that in 1956 stole all the ink from every pen between Florida and Rhode Island in order to create the Indian Ocean (Kevin)

Carmelina Fedele: kickstarted the 80’s – in 80 A.D. she sported legwarmers and anti-Semitism (Derek)

Arnold Fornichou: failed entrepreneur – established Forna-Caterers food service (Paul)

Debbie Horn: the woman who swallowed a genie lamp so her stomach could have three wishes (Mitch)

Edward Teach: got thrown out of 6th grade for calling Ms. Stonehouse a “half-baked loaf of bitch” (Bryan)

Erasmus Bond: also known as secret double agent James Bond, had to change his name when he joined the union. There was already an Erasmus (Paul)

Frieda Carter: the first woman not to play jazz-bass (Eric R)

Frieda Carter: the person people are really talking to when they think they’re talking to themselves (Kate K)

George Blaisdell: invented the Zippo lighter that, once lit, never goes out until a forest disappears (Caroline)

George Dawes: the first man to replace his large intestine with a “Biggie Size” intestine (Corey)

Harold Fulp: the first man to donate his toes for the sake of goodness: “For goodness sake take my toes” (Caroline)

Hippolyte M. Mouries: the Greek God of Rome (Paul)

Jesse Reno: the first person to screw up a filibuster when she ran out of synonyms for “fuckbucket” (Derek)

Joel Cheek: ate his wife just to shut her up (Derek)

Joseph Montegu: born in the Medieval Ages, Mr. Montegu was the first worker who went “postal.” Back then, they call it “going parchment beating” (Cyrus)

Joseph Montegu: invented the steam powered kettle (Corey)

Professor Leo Kongee: devised a maze for mice where every dead end had a hunk of cheese, and the exit brings you back to the start. The study was to see how fat you could get a mouse (Bryan)

Professor Leo Kongee: a Nintendo classic where, instead of jumping over barrels, you teach physics to kids in Poughkeepsie (Will)

Ralph Wedgewood: his pickup line was: What’s the difference between Wedgewood and peanut butter?  I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass (Sara)

Rant Mullens: fused a shoehorn to his inner ear canal to measure just how long he thought in shoe (Mitch)

Robert B. Thomas: taste-tester extrordinaire – he had the power to tell when you will die by licking your earlobe… inserting the poison (Aaron)

Robert B. Thomas: accidentally stoned in 1975 when a bunch of stone-skipping kids mistook him for a lake (Corey)

Sarah Winchester: New England housewife who created a delicious new cookie made of the flesh of a prowler she’d caught breaking into her home.  The intruder was later substituted by chocolate pieces and the Tollhouse cookie was born (Stephanie)

Sarah Winchester: lived near Niagara Falls and pretended to be a barrel so she could feel a man inside her eventually (Derek)

Tannakin Skinker: the guy who hated the inventor of the crock pot a really really lot (Jess W)

3 Nuts In Search of a Bolt: a small boy named Phillip gets trapped up to his waist in cement at age 7. The neighborhood kids all line up and kick him in the head in this 2 hour documentary (Mitch)

A Lady Takes a Chance : a young woman’s love for her boyfriend is tested as he is put under a large cup and is shuffled around with other large cups – she can only marry him if she selects him (Derek)

Assignment Terror: an openly black man scares the bejesus out of a closet KKK member (Derek)

Do You Like Women?: a man in a suit behind a desk appears and asks, “Do you like women?” He then stares at you unnervingly, impatiently waiting for an answer for two hours. For the last five minutes of the film, he is clearing his throat (Bryan)

How Sweet It Is: a chocolateur makes a fortune by replacing the chocolate Easter bunny with the chocolate Easter Judas (Corey)

I Hate Blondes: it wasn’t actually a movie as it was a plan concocted by a man who loved blondes.  He figured the movie title would lure brunettes to the theatre where he’d proceed to gas them (Corey)

I’m Dangerous Tonight: in a world without multi-celled organisms, only one paramecium has the guts to take it to the man.  Rated R for violence, mitotic division, and unlanguage (Kevin)

Incredible Melting Man: a poignant look at a man who can only exist at absolute zero. Running time: .06 seconds (Derek)

Kansas City Bomber: “In a world without hope, one man had the courage to stand tall. One man who had a dream to fight for freedom through the perils of war. One man to save us all. That makes three men. All doing the same friggin’ thing. For our country.” (Bryan)

Little Cigars: 50 minutes of romantic-comedy set in a pickling plant; single mother finds love with nosey janitor. Concluding 55 minutes of Asian-American women screaming (Eric R)

New Pastures: two childhood friends meet up again to fight over the ashes of the kid they accidentally killed in second grade (Aaron)

Only One Night: you’ve always heard the New York Times rave about movies…now a film that raves about the New York Times (Will)

Operation Bullshine: Hey kids!  Let’s learn alternative ways to cuss!  Spoiler alert: they fuckin’ fail the mission (Sara)

Seed People: the period film of the harvesters who planted seeds in the dirt. Problem is, they grew dirt, so they were often overlooked (Bryan)

Shack Out on 101: the story of a bum who convinced everybody the toll booth he took over was an actual residence (Susan)

Someone Behind the Door: a rich billionaire who watched his parents die as a child chooses to fight evil by hiding behind doors and opening them into people (Cyrus) Sssssss: World War II drama about the least creative, rug-tug German Naval ship, the fabled S.S.S.S.S.S.S. (Eric R)

That Sinking Feeling: confessions of a developer who built nursing homes on swamps and felt bad when he realized people do miss old people after all (Erika)

The Fabulous Joe: Stalin goes on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ (Max)

The Girl Less Likely: 64,000 rapid shots of foliage culminating in the credits (Derek)

The Outing: frustrated girlfriend invents the opposite of baseball (Stephanie)

The Secret Life of Archie’s Wife: Edith Bunker’s true identity is revealed as a KGB mole, whose assignment was to steal government secrets from Archie, only to discover she was the butt of a cruel office joke (Susan)

The Tuttles of Tahiti: the first film where the subtitles are screamed by a hyperactive 2nd grader (Bryan)

 

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