I just discovered a free place online where I can have text-to-speech. Sure, the technology has been around for ages (I remember being awed in high school when Jay showed me how to do it), but now after surgery I can totally be like Stephen Hawking. EXACTLY like Stephen Hawking. Except everything I say will be moronic, whiny, and I’ll have some bizarre propensity for talking almost exclusively about smoothies and facial swelling.

But yeah, otherwise, Stephen M’Fing Hawking.