September 25, 2018

Look, I know your poodle has not been the watchdog you hoped she’d be. It’s the bark. It’s so, well, unintimidating. Velcro a balloon full of sulfur hexafluoride to your dog. It will lower her voice to a more menacing register. Of course, the effect is temporary. So really, you’ll need to swap out the air in your apartment for sulfur hexafluoride. I guarantee no burglar will ever get into your house. And if they do, they won’t last long, what with there being no air and all…

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