So here’s the Catch-22 I’ve noticed about my life. I’m single for much of it. That’s nothing new – my friends have even taken it upon themselves to often remind me how single, exactly, I am. But as for my writing, I’ve said for years (since high school) that I do my best writing when I am happy – not sad. I am, as I have coined, the anti-poet. And it’s not just happy writing either – I write my best sad or dark stuff when I am in a truly great mood.
And I figured out today why – I just don’t feel like writing when I’m depressed or in a bad mood. If I’m depressed, I’ll play piano over just about anything else. So the impetus to create is more or less gone when I’m sad.
Now, this isn’t to say that I’m depressed every time I’m single – in fact I am someone who is very (perhaps too) comfortable left alone. But living on my own without roommates for the first time has made me become aware that I would like to be single on my own terms, and not from lack of options (as is now the case).
So, for the unobservant, where is the aforementioned Catch-22? When I’m dating, it eliminates nearly all of my free time, as I like to spend most of it with my girlfriend (this isn’t as impressive as it sounds – my ‘vast’ free time usually still falls well short of female expectations). But I am generally happy in a relationship, and that often makes we want to write, or produce my writing, or just create in general. So then when I am dating, I often spend much of my free time writing, because the ideas are floating and the ambition comes back.
And that often causes a rift in the relationship, which sours, and I’m left alone again. For a brief time after the break-up, I write like a fiend, still inspired. Then it fades, and the apathy settles back in, and I get really good at All-Star Baseball 2005 once again.
But it’s been a year – I want to get off the Bachelor Train and get happy again – and since professional happiness is still also out of reach, I would love to try for personal happiness (it could have something to do with the FIVE sets of friends who have announced their engagment in the last 3 months – Congrats JMar and Jen!!). As my good friend Jaclyn says, “You’ve just had bad luck with women since , haven’t you?” I cause alot of that luck, but yup, it’s been an impressive streak so far.
And I want to want to write again.