Velcro poodle to every ace in the deck. Win at draw poker by knowing where the aces are. When they say you’re cheating, tell them you can’t because you’re blind. Oh, right – go blind, first.
Go around town looking for a crime scene. Find a chalk outline. Lay your poodle in the middle and outline the pup in white Velcro. Do this for every crime scene. It’s going to make the detectives think the killer is only after people with poodles. Oh yeah, ditch your poodle. You know, just in case.
Teach poodles to fly by Velcroing their favorite treats to ceiling fans. One way or another, Mitsy’s going to fly.
Stretch dog into a very long, very thin tube. Velcro it to a search engine as the newest poodle noodle Google doodle.
Train poodles to find missing children. Have them Velcro GPS Tiles to the missing kids. Make a fortune restoring families. Alternatively…
Perform the world’s first poodlectomy. Once that’s complete, perform the world’s first Velcrectomy. Now ask yourself, and be honest, why did you eat a poodle and Velcro? We didn’t tell you to do that.
Stuff toy poodle into jar. Add hops and additional flavoring. Close lid. Velcro date on jar. Wait three months for micro-brew to mature. Call it Booze-Hound Beer.
Fill large cylinder with water. Place poodles of different breeds in the water. Seal top of cylinder with Velcro. How to use your Galileo Poodle Thermometer: if all the dogs are at the bottom, not moving, it’s very cold outside. Or they’ve drowned. Really depends on how long you used the thermometer.
Is your bird feeder the toast of the town for towhees, thrashers, and crowned sparrows, but never for cape weavers, bokmakieries, or jackal buzzards? Gather your poodles and Velcro and move to South Africa.
Nunchucks for pacifists.
Impressed with high end Japanese toilets but don’t have the time or money to get one? Velcro three poodles to the seat. Now it’s warming, self cleaning, and it can put a Y under your W (I guess – I was scared to press that button.)
Cover the top half of the poodle in Velcro and the bottom half in non-stick enamel. Train the dog to lay on its stomach until you give the command, at which point it flips to its back. Take it to a curling tournament. As soon as that stone poodle approaches the house circle target thingy, say the command and stick the landing. Split the curling groupies between you and the dog.
Really like Die Hard but hate that Hans Gruber loses? Go back in time to when Die Hard happened. Velcro a poodle bridge beneath Nakotomi tower. Line with guns, free lives, and power ups. Now Hans Gruber can come back with a – what do you mean Die Hard isn’t real? Then how can it be based on a biography? Whatever. You’re the crazy one.
Get approved for your own TED Talk. Bring poodle up on stage and ask for a volunteer. Velcro them together. Give the mic to the poodle for the entire eight minutes. Make room on your mantle for all the awards you will win.
Replace bowling gutters with velcro. Replace bowling balls with poodles. Leave ransom note for bowling alley owner.
Protest Chinese New Year because, even though 2018 is the year of the dog, it should be the year of the dog and the Velcro. Dress your poodle up as a dragon with Velcro streamers just to be extra culturally insensitive.
Swedish Death Cleaning on your mind? Declutter simply by getting rid of anything that sticks to the Velcro on your poodle. Now you’re clutter free and your poodle can roam your apartment again without becoming an avalanche of wool sweaters, microfiber cloths, and hypodermic needles.
Velcro portable generator to your poodle. Take on walks every day looking for your soul mate.
Velcro microwave to your poodle. Take poodle for walks every day until all the regulars you see begin bringing microwave popcorn. Tricks on them – you don’t have a portable generator!
Dental dam, though it should be noted while it almost entirely eliminates the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, it does increase the risk of mange.