Instead of staples or roof hooks, hang your Christmas lights with Velcro. Instead of lights, use poodles. Your electricity bill will go way down. You’re welcome.
It’s the shortest day of the year (at least for all the cool people in the northern hemisphere). Don’t worry, the days only get longer from here. You can ensure this by attaching a strip of Velcro to the north pole. Attach the other end to the comet that’s supposed to pass perilously close to Earth. That ought to adjust the Earth’s axis a few degrees. Take your poodle on a walk. Don’t worry, you don’t have to rush, it’ll be light out when you get home.
Annex something. I dunno what. Try Tunisia. Line Tunisia with Velcro and cover densely with poodles. By the time Algeria and Libya figure out what’s happened, they won’t even be able to find Tunisia anymore. You’re scot-free!
We assume you’re standing before the pearly gates and Peter is judging where you belong. He’ll probably bring up the myriad poodles you’ve needlessly killed, disfigured, or psychologically tortured. Wipe the sweat from your brow with the Velcro. Religious types like self-flagellation. Outside of that, you’re on your own. This isn’t 365 Ways to Get Out of Going to Hell.
Intercept the wise men before they get to the manger. Velcro poodle into Melchior’s hands because, seriously, myrrh is a shitty birthday gift.
Mash poodle to a jam-like consistency. Make a large sheet of paper out of Velcro. Squeeze the Velcro around the poodlepaste and open it back up. Ask your patient what they see in the inkblot. If they don’t immediately call the ASPCA, diagnose them as insane and charge them double. If they do, charge them triple because you’re going to need to post bail somehow.
Start a morning radio show, ridiculous sound effects and all. It should star your poodle and Velcro. And it shall be called The Whole Stick & Kapoodle.
Shoehorn. Okay, fine, I admit it, sometimes I just say a noun and hope you will use your imagination to make it work. Deal with it.
Pull poodle into a long rope. Velcro his head to the top of a standard DNA double-helix. Wrap him around and fasten the tail to the bottom of the strand. Prove that Linus Pauling and Robert Corey were onto something. Wonder why no one is talking to you at the office holiday party. Realize you continue talking about misguided scientists from the 50s. Rule that out; everyone talks about that kind of thing at office parties. It must be the tie you’re wearing. Change ties. Finally ask Yesenia out. It’s time you moved on from Brittney.
Velcro poodle to a treasure map. It doesn’t matter what it’s a map of, the poodle is the treasure. Give it to the world’s worst pirate to make him feel better about himself.
Find a busy street corner. Lay a thick layer of Velcro on the ground. Hide poodle under a cup. Charge $5 they’ll never guess where the poodle ends up. Don’t worry if you’re not actually good with cup magic; angry patrons won’t be able to chase you. Helps if you’re in the 1980s.
Give poodle a treat every time he sees a strip of Velcro. After enough conditioning, let him loose in the Velcro factory. Make sure to bring all your un-licked envelopes. Kill two birds and all that…
Stretch white poodle into a thin sheet. Get out your reel-to-reel projector. Instead of film, thread Velcro into the machine. Relive all your greatest poodle and Velcro memories. Keep the tissues handy.
Weave a poodle between your toes. Use the Velcro to file those nails. Look, not all of us can afford one of your fanci mani-pedi places. Plus, the mimosas are stronger in your own home.
Chase your dreams. If you can’t attain them, Velcro them in place first. Have the poodle sit on the Velcro for extra dream attainability.
It’s a shame people don’t remember the talented singer of such hits from the 30s as “Your Baby Ain’t My Baby” , “Speak As Easy as You Can”, and “Boom Thwacka Boom”. Put on those old records, sit back with your poodle, Velcro a martini in your hand, and remember Pearl Harbor and the Repercussions. There’ll never be another one like ole’ Pearl. Never.
Clone your poodle. Velcro a goatee on one of them and send it to an alternate dimension. Don’t worry, he’ll resurface eventually, probably at the worst possible moment.
Velcro to poodle in June 16, 2018’s entry. Poodle to Saint Bernard in the Saint Berdoodle hybrid. Saint Bernard to Charles Grodin in “Beethoven”. Charles Grodin to Laura Linney in “Dave”. Laura Linney to Kevin Bacon in “Mystic River”. 5 steps. Not bad.
Wrap lengthy strip of Velcro around a black poodle in a random pattern. Dip him in (poodle-safe) bleach. You’ve just tie-dyed your poodle. Wear her to a Phish show.
Suspend a long strip of Velcro from the church spire. Attach poodle. Now the bells of the cathedral can ring out and not get damaged. The poodle on the other hand…