Velcro handlebars right below nose. Power-lift a poodle. Single-handedly bring back Vaudeville.
Is your poodle in heat? Velcro her high up on the side of a grain silo. More humane than spaying but equally effective. Also works with teenagers!
This will help combat tomorrow’s impending St. Patrick’s Day hangover. When drinking, Velcro poodle over your mouth. It will act as a sieve and keep all the tannins and hops away. Also good for a good diet supplement, a cure for biting your fingernails, and an effective way to commit suicide for those who aren’t in such a rush.
Velcro pup to rings of Saturn. You won’t be able to see him, per se, and he’ll probably get pulverized by high-speed passing detritus, but at least you can say you tried.
Remember that bouncy paper clip cartoon character from Microsoft Word that had a strange habit of trying to help you write letters no matter what you typed? Man, that thing was annoying. *sigh* Make fencing out of Velcro. More humane than an electric collar for your poodle.
Velcro wings to poodle. Charter a plane. Throw puppy from 30,000 feet. Shake your head disappointedly. Works best if your dog is named Icarus. If your dog is named something else, like Wendell, then good job, you just committed canicide.
Find a big band. Replace the drummer’s brushes with strips of Velcro and his heavy sticks with poodles. Now “Pennsylvania 6-5000” sounds so much more interesting. And potentially dangerous!
The newest playground game: tetherpoodle.
Remember at 3am to set your clock ahead one hour, to set your Velcro back five feet, and to thrust your poodle INTO THE FUTURE!
Remove the poodle’s innards with a shop vac. Fill with mercury or, if available, osmium; whatever will make it super dense. You know you will have achieved equilibrium when the Velcro holds a sustainable orbit around the dog.
Velcro service dog vest to poodle. Now Mitsy’s a comfort dog and you can take her on the plane!
Velcro a number of flattened poodles together to make a large trampoline (it may be a large number). Go back in time 65 million years. Position your trampoline on the coast of Mexico. Make sure you get back to the present in time to feed your pet microraptor.
A true magician never tells his secrets. But I do. Velcro poodle to the bottom of a large top hat. When pulling it out, the audience will definitely hear the rrrriiiiiipp unless you say some loud mumbo jumbo like abracadabra or Benedict Cumberbatch! Historical footnote: Abe Lincoln kept a dog in his hat to keep his head warm during the Civil War. Rutherford B. Hayes mistakenly kept one in his beard for the same purpose.
Velcro poodle to table. Cover poodle in papier-mâché, leaving a hole at the top. Fill hole with flammable materials, preferably lava for authenticity. Bring to your kid’s Science Fair. Start the demonstration, win the ribbon. If it fails to win the ribbon, go back to the original 1942 American National Science Fair. Your time machine should win the prize.
Patch kit for the Hindenburg. Might involve purchasing more than one kit.
Velcro a toy poodle into a miniature poodle. Velcro that into a standard sized poodle. Velcro this into a Russian Terrier. Give to your babushka to replace her old nesting dolls. A round of vodka to celebrate!
Velcro poodle to every ace in the deck. Win at draw poker by knowing where the aces are. When they say you’re cheating, tell them you can’t because you’re blind. Oh, right – go blind, first.
Go around town looking for a crime scene. Find a chalk outline. Lay your poodle in the middle and outline the pup in white Velcro. Do this for every crime scene. It’s going to make the detectives think the killer is only after people with poodles. Oh yeah, ditch your poodle. You know, just in case.
Teach poodles to fly by Velcroing their favorite treats to ceiling fans. One way or another, Mitsy’s going to fly.
Stretch dog into a very long, very thin tube. Velcro it to a search engine as the newest poodle noodle Google doodle.