December 28, 2018

Be amazed by the overnight success of “Woofer!” How, even, did anyone hear about this as your first Bark is still being driven across country in the slowest and cheapest shipping possible? Nevertheless, send out a new Bark to all of your sign-ups thanking them. Note 1: You will need about 100,000 poodles and strips of Velcro. Note 2: Barks should be no longer than can be fit on an average poodle – no images are allowed at this time.

December 27, 2018

Wake up one morning and realize you’ve been a terrible friend. Decide that this is because of social media and the digital age. Vow to fix this by promoting your new platform, “Woofer!” which actually physically exists so it’s much more difficult to forget. Post your first Bark by velcroing an apology to a poodle and then shipping it across the country to your friend.

December 24, 2018

Not many people know this, but Christmas Eve was named after the biblical Eve. Christmas Adam is the day where Christmas blames Christmas Eve for being disappointing. Prepare yourself for this by covering yourself in Velcro and making a poodle coat. You can’t be disappointed in someone wearing that many live dogs. I mean, unless that person is Cruella Deville. Are you? Take a good look at yourself. Write an essay, hand it in by 5. Your grade depends on it.

December 21, 2018

It’s the shortest day of the year (at least for all the cool people in the northern hemisphere). Don’t worry, the days only get longer from here. You can ensure this by attaching a strip of Velcro to the north pole. Attach the other end to the comet that’s supposed to pass perilously close to Earth. That ought to adjust the Earth’s axis a few degrees. Take your poodle on a walk. Don’t worry, you don’t have to rush, it’ll be light out when you get home.

December 19, 2018

We assume you’re standing before the pearly gates and Peter is judging where you belong. He’ll probably bring up the myriad poodles you’ve needlessly killed, disfigured, or psychologically tortured. Wipe the sweat from your brow with the Velcro. Religious types like self-flagellation. Outside of that, you’re on your own. This isn’t 365 Ways to Get Out of Going to Hell.

December 17, 2018

Mash poodle to a jam-like consistency. Make a large sheet of paper out of Velcro. Squeeze the Velcro around the poodlepaste and open it back up. Ask your patient what they see in the inkblot. If they don’t immediately call the ASPCA, diagnose them as insane and charge them double. If they do, charge them triple because you’re going to need to post bail somehow.

December 14, 2018

Pull poodle into a long rope. Velcro his head to the top of a standard DNA double-helix. Wrap him around and fasten the tail to the bottom of the strand. Prove that Linus Pauling and Robert Corey were onto something. Wonder why no one is talking to you at the office holiday party. Realize you continue talking about misguided scientists from the 50s. Rule that out; everyone talks about that kind of thing at office parties. It must be the tie you’re wearing. Change ties. Finally ask Yesenia out. It’s time you moved on from Brittney.