So you’re going to need more than one poodle, just a heads up. Cut a large, square slab of wood, probably about 20 feet each side. Line out a 19 x 19 grid with long Velcro strips. Get 181 black poodles and 180 poodles. Play the world’s most frustrating game of Go. (Really, it only just beats out a normal game of go in terms of frustration.)
Attach garlic cloves to Velcro. Note: garlic won’t stick to normal Velcro, so use our patented bulb-Velcro (on sale for $41.99 per 100’ strip). Wrap around poodle. Hang from your neck to ward off vampires. Sure, you could just wear the garlic, but then you wouldn’t be protected from puppy vampires.
If at first you don’t succeed, make another calendar of 365 Things to Do with a Poodle and Velcro.
Velcro poodle to your lower back. Go to that special masseuse who specializes in happy endings. Congratulations! You’ll end up marrying Estelle after winning a wholly-manageable sum of money!
Velcro pencils to poodle’s face. Now Pinhead has a pet.
Look, I know your poodle has not been the watchdog you hoped she’d be. It’s the bark. It’s so, well, unintimidating. Velcro a balloon full of sulfur hexafluoride to your dog. It will lower her voice to a more menacing register. Of course, the effect is temporary. So really, you’ll need to swap out the air in your apartment for sulfur hexafluoride. I guarantee no burglar will ever get into your house. And if they do, they won’t last long, what with there being no air and all…
The highest known prime number is 23,249,425 digits long, so you’re going to need to get good at math. Create a proof that shows this number can be divided by Velcro. Have the poodle collect your Fields Medal. Put it on the shelf with your Cy Young awards and your Oscar. You’ve led a pretty good life, Marjorie.
Velcro poodle to Arthur Fonzarelli. Jump the shark. What!? We’ve done almost 700 of these things. This is hard work.
Wrap poodle in Velcro. Slather with marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese. Put it in a Pizza Hut box. See if anyone notices the difference.
Get rabies. Froth at the mouth as much as you can. Use the Velcro to support areas where your rapidly desiccating muscles are becoming unreliable. Deal with the occasional delirium and eventual brain death. There. Now your pup doesn’t feel so bad about having to wear a neck collar for her stitches. You’re a good dad. A dead dad, but a good one.
Go on Pinterest for ideas. Crochet a DIY Velcro birdbath picture collage for your poodle. Sell it on Etsy. Way to smash gender norms, Norm.
In honor of Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, talk like a pirate. To your poodle. Who tried to mutiny your ship. Make him walk the Velcro plank. Arrrrgh.
Plant poodle in ground. You probably should have done this years ago, by the way. By now, your poodletree has grown to full size. But with fall coming, be prepared to rake your poodles into a pile. After jumping in the pile a few times – how can you resist? – rake them into a bag and tie it shut with Velcro. Leave out for the green waste recycling truck. Betcha five bucks they open the bag and jump in the pile one more time.
Most dentists will not tell you that you can use poodles and Velcro for regular dental care, but you can! First capture the dentist’s poodle in a cage of Velcro. Now tell the dentist to fix your teeth/gums/bank account if he wants to have his dog back. You could also try brushing your teeth and flossing!
Looks like we were wrong about the end of days. Seems like you may have crippling anxiety. Anxiety is a serious problem that can’t be solved with Poodles and Velcro. But do you know what can be solved with Poodles and Velcro? Gingivitis.
Are you needlessly filled with constant dread and feelings of inadequacy? Do you have a strong sense of paranoia and find it difficult to leave your bed in the morning for fear of what the day will bring? That’s because the end times are here! Velcro your poodle into a cute circle and wear him or her on your head as a hat. Feel comforted? Now lay back in bed and wait for the Nothingness to consume you.
Tired of reading Poodles and Velcro when you could be making a cheese sandwhich? Now you can do both! Simply make your cheese sandwhich while reading Poodles and Velcro!
Velcro all the Sesame Street muppets together. Air a new Sesame Street that you call “Gorilla Puppy Boulevard” in the muppets absence. You know what it’s about. You’ve always known.
Reduce poodle and velcro to ashes. Now add earth pigments of burnt umbre. Blend into stucco mix. After preparing wall surfaces with a light sanding and rinse, apply the stucco mix. Wait for the stucco to be nearly dry, then trowel with your chosen technique. Please see our How To Poodle and Velcro Your Home Youtube series for further explanation.
Eliminate unwanted pests the easy way. Simply train your poodle to run towards skittering insects, rats, spiders, or whatever your annoyance and velcro our handy. each-one-is-unique, monogrammed blackhole to your dog and – POOF! – pests be gone!