September 25, 2018

Look, I know your poodle has not been the watchdog you hoped she’d be. It’s the bark. It’s so, well, unintimidating. Velcro a balloon full of sulfur hexafluoride to your dog. It will lower her voice to a more menacing register. Of course, the effect is temporary. So really, you’ll need to swap out the air in your apartment for sulfur hexafluoride. I guarantee no burglar will ever get into your house. And if they do, they won’t last long, what with there being no air and all…

September 18, 2018

Plant poodle in ground. You probably should have done this years ago, by the way. By now, your poodletree has grown to full size. But with fall coming, be prepared to rake your poodles into a pile. After jumping in the pile a few times – how can you resist? – rake them into a bag and tie it shut with Velcro. Leave out for the green waste recycling truck. Betcha five bucks they open the bag and jump in the pile one more time.

September 15, 2018

Are you needlessly filled with constant dread and feelings of inadequacy? Do you have a strong sense of paranoia and find it difficult to leave your bed in the morning for fear of what the day will bring? That’s because the end times are here! Velcro your poodle into a cute circle and wear him or her on your head as a hat. Feel comforted? Now lay back in bed and wait for the Nothingness to consume you.