Welcome to “Woofer!” By reading this, you acknowledge that Twitter is now run by physically digitized poodles armed with Velcro and should henceforth be referred to as “Woofer!” Feel free to reBark this and congratulations on choosing the first social media platform backed by digitized physical dogs!
In order to fuly capture a true physical Bark complete with poodle and Velcro, you will need to perfect the quantum computer. After an hour (or more if you’re dumb) you should have this complete. So now it’s time to TRON an army of poodles armed with Velcro to take over the internet. Begin your war on the hosting platform of your daily calendar.
People are demanding Woofer! ™ across the globe. They’re also demanding the ability to Velcro longer Barks and pictures as well as instantaneous delivery. Since the true meaning of Woofer! is to maintain a semblence of physicality, explore the feasability of the TRON ™ method.
Be amazed by the overnight success of “Woofer!” How, even, did anyone hear about this as your first Bark is still being driven across country in the slowest and cheapest shipping possible? Nevertheless, send out a new Bark to all of your sign-ups thanking them. Note 1: You will need about 100,000 poodles and strips of Velcro. Note 2: Barks should be no longer than can be fit on an average poodle – no images are allowed at this time.
Wake up one morning and realize you’ve been a terrible friend. Decide that this is because of social media and the digital age. Vow to fix this by promoting your new platform, “Woofer!” which actually physically exists so it’s much more difficult to forget. Post your first Bark by velcroing an apology to a poodle and then shipping it across the country to your friend.
Get a long, thick strip of Velcro. Bend it and fasten it so that it makes a möbius strip. Attach poodle. Give to your true love. They say diamonds are forever, but that’s clearly not true. Möbius strips, on the other hand…
Bend poodle into a circle. Attach with Velcro to your front door. Now it should ward off Santa. I think. Truthfully I never understood Passover.
Not many people know this, but Christmas Eve was named after the biblical Eve. Christmas Adam is the day where Christmas blames Christmas Eve for being disappointing. Prepare yourself for this by covering yourself in Velcro and making a poodle coat. You can’t be disappointed in someone wearing that many live dogs. I mean, unless that person is Cruella Deville. Are you? Take a good look at yourself. Write an essay, hand it in by 5. Your grade depends on it.
Wrap the poodle in Velcro, sticky side out. Wrap his tail around a long pole. Use him to scrape the ice off your 18-wheeler. I mean, if it was just a car, you’d use an ice-scraper, you barbarian.
Instead of staples or roof hooks, hang your Christmas lights with Velcro. Instead of lights, use poodles. Your electricity bill will go way down. You’re welcome.
It’s the shortest day of the year (at least for all the cool people in the northern hemisphere). Don’t worry, the days only get longer from here. You can ensure this by attaching a strip of Velcro to the north pole. Attach the other end to the comet that’s supposed to pass perilously close to Earth. That ought to adjust the Earth’s axis a few degrees. Take your poodle on a walk. Don’t worry, you don’t have to rush, it’ll be light out when you get home.
Annex something. I dunno what. Try Tunisia. Line Tunisia with Velcro and cover densely with poodles. By the time Algeria and Libya figure out what’s happened, they won’t even be able to find Tunisia anymore. You’re scot-free!
We assume you’re standing before the pearly gates and Peter is judging where you belong. He’ll probably bring up the myriad poodles you’ve needlessly killed, disfigured, or psychologically tortured. Wipe the sweat from your brow with the Velcro. Religious types like self-flagellation. Outside of that, you’re on your own. This isn’t 365 Ways to Get Out of Going to Hell.
Intercept the wise men before they get to the manger. Velcro poodle into Melchior’s hands because, seriously, myrrh is a shitty birthday gift.
Mash poodle to a jam-like consistency. Make a large sheet of paper out of Velcro. Squeeze the Velcro around the poodlepaste and open it back up. Ask your patient what they see in the inkblot. If they don’t immediately call the ASPCA, diagnose them as insane and charge them double. If they do, charge them triple because you’re going to need to post bail somehow.
Start a morning radio show, ridiculous sound effects and all. It should star your poodle and Velcro. And it shall be called The Whole Stick & Kapoodle.
Shoehorn. Okay, fine, I admit it, sometimes I just say a noun and hope you will use your imagination to make it work. Deal with it.
Pull poodle into a long rope. Velcro his head to the top of a standard DNA double-helix. Wrap him around and fasten the tail to the bottom of the strand. Prove that Linus Pauling and Robert Corey were onto something. Wonder why no one is talking to you at the office holiday party. Realize you continue talking about misguided scientists from the 50s. Rule that out; everyone talks about that kind of thing at office parties. It must be the tie you’re wearing. Change ties. Finally ask Yesenia out. It’s time you moved on from Brittney.
Velcro poodle to a treasure map. It doesn’t matter what it’s a map of, the poodle is the treasure. Give it to the world’s worst pirate to make him feel better about himself.
Find a busy street corner. Lay a thick layer of Velcro on the ground. Hide poodle under a cup. Charge $5 they’ll never guess where the poodle ends up. Don’t worry if you’re not actually good with cup magic; angry patrons won’t be able to chase you. Helps if you’re in the 1980s.