Pull poodle into a long rope. Velcro his head to the top of a standard DNA double-helix. Wrap him around and fasten the tail to the bottom of the strand. Prove that Linus Pauling and Robert Corey were onto something. Wonder why no one is talking to you at the office holiday party. Realize you continue talking about misguided scientists from the 50s. Rule that out; everyone talks about that kind of thing at office parties. It must be the tie you’re wearing. Change ties. Finally ask Yesenia out. It’s time you moved on from Brittney.
Velcro poodle to a treasure map. It doesn’t matter what it’s a map of, the poodle is the treasure. Give it to the world’s worst pirate to make him feel better about himself.
Find a busy street corner. Lay a thick layer of Velcro on the ground. Hide poodle under a cup. Charge $5 they’ll never guess where the poodle ends up. Don’t worry if you’re not actually good with cup magic; angry patrons won’t be able to chase you. Helps if you’re in the 1980s.
Give poodle a treat every time he sees a strip of Velcro. After enough conditioning, let him loose in the Velcro factory. Make sure to bring all your un-licked envelopes. Kill two birds and all that…
Stretch white poodle into a thin sheet. Get out your reel-to-reel projector. Instead of film, thread Velcro into the machine. Relive all your greatest poodle and Velcro memories. Keep the tissues handy.
Weave a poodle between your toes. Use the Velcro to file those nails. Look, not all of us can afford one of your fanci mani-pedi places. Plus, the mimosas are stronger in your own home.
Chase your dreams. If you can’t attain them, Velcro them in place first. Have the poodle sit on the Velcro for extra dream attainability.
It’s a shame people don’t remember the talented singer of such hits from the 30s as “Your Baby Ain’t My Baby” , “Speak As Easy as You Can”, and “Boom Thwacka Boom”. Put on those old records, sit back with your poodle, Velcro a martini in your hand, and remember Pearl Harbor and the Repercussions. There’ll never be another one like ole’ Pearl. Never.
Clone your poodle. Velcro a goatee on one of them and send it to an alternate dimension. Don’t worry, he’ll resurface eventually, probably at the worst possible moment.
Velcro to poodle in June 16, 2018’s entry. Poodle to Saint Bernard in the Saint Berdoodle hybrid. Saint Bernard to Charles Grodin in “Beethoven”. Charles Grodin to Laura Linney in “Dave”. Laura Linney to Kevin Bacon in “Mystic River”. 5 steps. Not bad.
Wrap lengthy strip of Velcro around a black poodle in a random pattern. Dip him in (poodle-safe) bleach. You’ve just tie-dyed your poodle. Wear her to a Phish show.
Suspend a long strip of Velcro from the church spire. Attach poodle. Now the bells of the cathedral can ring out and not get damaged. The poodle on the other hand…
To celebrate the miracle of oil lasting eight whole days, dip your poodle in flame-retardant. Set him on fire. Velcro him onto the dogorah. See if the retardant also lasts eight days.
Hop on the ugly-sweater bandwagon by Velcroing a dozen poodles to your green sweater. Further proof that abstinence works to prevent STDs!
Decorate two poodles. Velcro them to your bookshelf. Living bookends!
The past is unalterable and anything that cannot be altered cannot exist. The future has not yet been written and therefore it does not exist either. Only the now exists. The now is the only real. Use this as your defense when the judge asks you what you were doing in Times Square with the dog and that electric Velcro saw.
Climb Mount Everest all the way to Camp IV. Replace all the oxygen cylinders with poodles Velcroed into jars. They’ll keep climbers warm and they’ll have something cute to look at as they’re succumbing to high-altitude cerebral edema.
We feel sales of saxophones probably peaked in the 80s and may never recover. Start an ad campaign with your adorable poodle Velcroed to a saxophone. Viva la sax!
Feed poodle nothing but glowsticks for a year. Meaning, you should have started this in January. FYI. Velcro him over an electrical outlet. Child-safe nightlight!
Follow the Google Street View car with a poodle Velcroed to your face. Stare at the camera with dead eyes. Aliens will see this person EVERYWHERE and will likely just leave us alone.