Talk to lawyer about validity of using Velcro and poodles on an official form. Realize you’re spending hundreds of dollars per hour to learn something common sense should have told you. Take a moment to consider your life. Don’t take too long – it’s costing you hundreds of dollars per hour.
Unflatten Mitsy back into poodle shape. Velcro to divorce papers with an apology. Maybe take a carpentry class.
Flatten Mitsy into a wedge shape. Velcro under the leg of the table that’s just a little short. There, Britney, I told you I could fix it. Now who’s useless?
Sneak into the World Cup locker room. Velcro poodle to the referee’s red tag. Rejoice as Angola finally takes home the trophy.
Earrings for the particularly strong-necked.
Build a Puppy Ninja Warrior course for your poodle. Train him rigorously. Once TV day comes, put Velcro on the first obstacle. It’s affirmative inaction.
I just flew in from New York and, boy, are my pilots are tired. Anyway, your poodle’s so fat. (“How fat is he?”) Your poodle’s so fat it would take ten strips of Velcro to make him a pair of Spanx. Thank you. You’ve been great. Don’t forget to tip your wait staff.
In honor of Flag Day, Velcro 50 white poodles to the upper-left corner of a very large rectangular piece of fabric. Place 13 thick, white strips of Velcro in stripes along the rest of the fabric. Whatever you do, DON’T KNEEL ANYWHERE AROUND YOUR FLAG, even to tie your shoes. That’s worse than running it through a paper shredder.
Velcro poodle to history. Rest assured it will never repeat itself.
You know what they say, less is more. So donate 20% of your poodles and Velcro to charity. Heads up, you may need to buy several more refrigerators to hang up all the thank-you cards from all those kids.
If you’re blind, Velcro poodle over your eyes to protect them from being poked by sharp objects such as tree branches. If you’re not blind, do it anyway so you know how blind people feel.
When life hands you poodles, make poodleaid. You achieve this by lining your blender with Velcro to catch all the pulpy bits.
Velcro many poodles together tightly in a large circle. Place beneath a huge cliff. Think of all the lemmings you’ve just saved with your trampoodline!
This is it. There’s only twenty seconds until detonation and you don’t know whether to snip the red wire or the white wire. You’ve already used your phone-a-friend. What do you do? Velcro poodle around the bomb and run like hell. The bomb will still go off, but at least you can pretend it’s just a really textured piñata.
Insert poodle into pencil sharpener until he is razor-sharp. Jam him into a tree. Loop two long strips of Velcro around the dog and attach a swing to the bottom. Sure, you could have just bought a swingset, but you’ve already stockpiled all those poodles and all that Velcro, so we’re just trying to save you money.
Place a strip of Velcro above the eyes of your poodle so she can finally look more like her idol Frida Kahlo.
Reusable gift wrap, at least for as long as the poodle puts up with it.
Take some old-timey photos of your pooch. No, not like Roaring-20s-old. No, not like turn-of-the-century-old. No, not like Civil War old. No, not like Founding-Fathers-old. No, not like Renaissance-old. No, not like Middle-Ages-old. No, not like Mayan-civilization-old. No, not like ancient-Mesopotamia-old. No, not like Lascaux-cave-paintings-old. No, not like Jurassic-old. No, not like formation-of-multi-cellular-organisms-old. Okay, let’s start over. Take some photos of your poodle just before the Big Bang. Prove that everything in the universe, including Velcro, was born by the will of Poodlethor the Unfathomably Old.
Slice your poodle in half. Count the rings to see how old he is. Er, was. Wait! Velcro him back together and he’ll be none the worse for wear. Congratulations! You’re a magician!
Mate your poodle with a cuttlefish so its offspring will be masters of camouflage. Now breed them with a tree frog so the next generation of kids can effectively remove their heat signatures. Now pair those offspring with a velociraptor. Velcro all the fences shut. Congratulations! You’ve just re-enacted Jurassic World.