March 30, 2018

Unless you happen to be living in the pre-Eli Whitney era, you already missed the chance to invent the best thing. However, you’re still able to invent gin cotton, a highly alcoholic fabric. If you’re stuck as to how to go about inventing this, the first three ingredients are a white poodle, Velcro, and a tiny, portable distillery. I get a 10% finder’s fee, payable in either cash or gin cotton sweaters.

March 27, 2018

Sneak dog into casino, go to roulette table. When no one is looking (as happens all the time in casinos) Velcro a magnet under green 00. Bet everything you have on it next spin. As you celebrate your miraculous luck, have the poodle quietly remove the Velcro and then return inconspicuously to your trench coat. Go to an In-and-Out Burger to celebrate. Buy it while you’re there.