Relax Riesling 2005 - I’m truthfully not exactly sure of the name of this sweet wine, because it’s German, and I am not fluent.  But that’s not where my confusion ends.  On the front (and one of the major selling points), in calm and reassuring white letters sits the word “RELAX”, etched nicely on the soothing blue bottle.  On the back, in a more typical abrasive German, sits the words “SCHMITT SOHNE” and then, below it in slightly less intimidating letters, the words “MOSEL-SAAR-RUWER”  We’re just gonna go with “Relax”

Rieslings, I can safely say, having tasted a stupidly expensive one, are typically sweeter wines, by which I mean they leave the toilet seat down and cuddle after sex.  I thoroughly enjoyed what the bottle describes as “intense flavors of apples and peaches with just a hint of citrus.”   But here’s the tough part to explain, and I can only do it by comparing it to vocal terms.  Pinot Grigio, a dryer white wine, tastes like a plosive sound might (the P or K sound), exploding with taste right on the front of your mouth.  The riesling, by contrast, is definitely the lateral flavor, opting to swim all around your mouth, particularly the side of the tongue, before falling down your esophagus in a swan dive of wineyness.  It is definitely the letter L of wines.

Where does this leave us?  Well, it was New Years when I drank this wine, and I had 3/4 of a bottle.  One would expect me to be pretty drunk, wouldn’t they?  Not at all – I scarcely felt the effects.  When I later examined the bottle, I noticed it contained only 9.5% alcohol, a surprisingly small amount.

The short answer is if you want a cheap ($11) bottle of riesling that tastes very good, buy Relax.  It frighteningly bordered on “desert wine”.  If you want to get drunk, I would recommend Mountain Dew and Vanilla Vodka.  6/10