Tonight, I have the first of two readings for The Unusual Suspects to decide whether or not it will go on to the Fringe Festival this year. I’m at a new job where the boss actually appreciates me, and I’ve written more in the past month or two for fun than I have in the last year combined. In a month, I go to Nevada to see old friends, meet a special someone along the way, and kick off my disc golf tournament season.
My slogan for the last two years was: “I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.” I think I need a new slogan this year. How about: “Things are lookin’ up”? Nah, that’s cliche! How about: “Why should toad-lickers have all the fun?” I may need help on the slogan. Either way, I’m looking forward to 2007.
2007
At last, I have that which I’ve sought awhiles,
Or, more explicitly, as now I’m learning,
I would thus have but for two thousand miles,
The one for whom I have this cursed yearning.
The portents do abound that warn of pain,
As if I’ve not considered consequences;
Yet if to live like this be deemed insane,
Prefer I never to regain my senses.
Yet what of she, the one who doth present
To me this insomnambulent elation?
Such ire will from her flow – not of dissent,
But that she wrote not first this proclamation.
From which enticing cup should we then run,
When antidote and poison are but one?
Congratulations to the newest winner of an esoderek.com/blog contest (which DEFINITELY needs renaming)! Stephanie has won herself an esoderek.com bumper sticker for her caption for this photo:
“The most important thing to remember during a wicker attack is to remain calm”
In addition, I am giving out another bumper sticker to JayMar, who never received a prize for his winning entry into my first contest. He came up with a slogan for this fine company:
“When you need man tools, Go Gayer!”
Expect your prizes soon! (JayMar, I need an address for you)
Also, stay tuned for more fantastic esoderek.com contests!
Gumdale Shiraz 2005 – Much like the last wine I sampled, which was a pinot noir, this wine smacked your tongue around a bit and called it its bitch. I would expect nothing less from the wineries of South Eastern Australia, which is from where this wine originated. I have often admitted that I don’t claim to be an actual expert on wines (though I am finding more and more people asking me for advice, which inevitably makes me giggle). Despite not being fluent in snobby wine-ese, I do know that a shiraz is not supposed to taste like a pinot noir, and yet the the last two bottles sampled tasted uncannily alike, and not entirely with good result.
An interesting phenominon with this wine: it doesn’t get better the more you have it. Despite having a comparitively high alcohol content (13.5%), the third glass was no more enjoyable than the first. Perhaps this has to do with the fake cork, which always leads me to suspicion. Never trust something that’s not what it’s supposed to be. This wine does not quite pass with a 4/10.
Jekel Pinot Noir 2004 – 2004 was not a good year for me. Fortunately, I don’t make wine, so it did not affect this bottle. Though I’d be telling a lie if I said something else didn’t ruin it. Perhaps “ruin” is too strong a word. This was a drinkable wine, in that it didn’t cut open the throat on the way down. It just stung a bit on the taste buds. This one sheemed “sharper” than most (read: the other) pinot noir I’ve tried – like it was attacking the tongue instead of gently caressing it. Other than that, I found this to be a rather forgettable wine – perhaps good in a pasta sauce or with a flank steak, but on its own, it has trouble supporting its own acerbicness.
On the other hand, it was the first wine I got for free by friends who were trying to pawn of “gifts” they’d received that they would never drink, so it might have gotten an extra half point or so because free things just taste better. 5/10
Relax Riesling 2005 - I’m truthfully not exactly sure of the name of this sweet wine, because it’s German, and I am not fluent. But that’s not where my confusion ends. On the front (and one of the major selling points), in calm and reassuring white letters sits the word “RELAX”, etched nicely on the soothing blue bottle. On the back, in a more typical abrasive German, sits the words “SCHMITT SOHNE” and then, below it in slightly less intimidating letters, the words “MOSEL-SAAR-RUWER” We’re just gonna go with “Relax”
Rieslings, I can safely say, having tasted a stupidly expensive one, are typically sweeter wines, by which I mean they leave the toilet seat down and cuddle after sex. I thoroughly enjoyed what the bottle describes as “intense flavors of apples and peaches with just a hint of citrus.” But here’s the tough part to explain, and I can only do it by comparing it to vocal terms. Pinot Grigio, a dryer white wine, tastes like a plosive sound might (the P or K sound), exploding with taste right on the front of your mouth. The riesling, by contrast, is definitely the lateral flavor, opting to swim all around your mouth, particularly the side of the tongue, before falling down your esophagus in a swan dive of wineyness. It is definitely the letter L of wines.
Where does this leave us? Well, it was New Years when I drank this wine, and I had 3/4 of a bottle. One would expect me to be pretty drunk, wouldn’t they? Not at all – I scarcely felt the effects. When I later examined the bottle, I noticed it contained only 9.5% alcohol, a surprisingly small amount.
The short answer is if you want a cheap ($11) bottle of riesling that tastes very good, buy Relax. It frighteningly bordered on “desert wine”. If you want to get drunk, I would recommend Mountain Dew and Vanilla Vodka. 6/10
I’ve found that if you tell people you collect something, people will buy it for you. I have bought exactly zero of my monkeys, and only one of my spatulas. And now that I write a fake wine column, I have been getting wine as a gift more frequently. This is interesting.
I would like to publicly announce that I starting a big-boobed, fun, undiscriminating woman collection. So there ya go.