5/31

10:05am – It’s been a while since I’ve written in the AM. I even got my free continental breakfast. Mind you, I made it by 10 minutes, but that’s neither here nor there (it’s in Summerduck VA). Anyway, I’m making it a habit of mine apparently to leave something behind at every stop I make. I left my jelly and bread at my father’s place, I left my bowler hat at my mother’s, I left my electric razor at my brother’s place, and I left my conditioner at The Grange. What should I leave at this hotel? A mess? You got it, readers.

11:18pm – Pictures will have to come at a later point in time, as I don’t have access to my wireless here (I’m on Steve’s computer, but we’ll get there in due time). After driving by a silly-named place I ended up in Columbus OH, waiting on phone calls that never did happen.

Two words: false advertising

In the meantime, I jutted over to Hoover Dam to play the Brent Hambrick Memorial Disc Golf Course. It is a world-caliber course, and I can’t say I disagree. I ended up playing golf with Wally and Molly who were two very cool and polite ams. They were, as you can see by the picture, very far away.

It is a 27 hole monster of an open course, with about 9 of the holes being in the woods. Of those, 4 are great holes, 5 are moronic, but really if 22 of 27 holes are good quality holes, I have no problems whatsoever. Except bunyons. That’s for another conversation. We played from the pro tees (a first for Intermediate Wally) and I shot a +7 for 27. It was disappointing, but it was an instance where not knowing the course must have cost me about 5-8 strokes. When I got back to the car, it had already hit 90 degrees.

So I sought refuge from the heat where anyone foolish with money would: a used CD store. To my credit, I only purchased 5 CDs, and they ran me a TOTAL of $10.49. That ain’t shabby, as they say in Badgrammarville. Onto one more course.

It was time to play Griggs Reservoir Park, also in Columbus. As I pulled up, there were many people leaving for holes. One guy asks, “Are you here for the league?” Five dollars later, I was. So without seeing a course and not knowing a single person there or how good they were, I was challenging them for money. I’d make a terrible hustler. Anyway, the course is a very nice beginner course with only one hole that wasn’t reachable by me with a Buzzz (and, for that matter, that one hole is Hole 18 and it was unreachable by me throwing anything except beams of light, which I’m able to convey VERY far).

Hole 18 at Griggs

I shot a 47 for the round, which tied me for second. One successful CTP later, I was the proud recipient of $20 (including the $5 I put in). All right – let’s do the CASH DANCE. Ba ba… babadabop ba! Ba ba… babadabop ba! Huzza Buzza! That paid for my CDs and a trip to Subway, as it was now late and I was hungry.

That was my final stop before settling into Steve’s place after passing another silly named place.

Long since agreed upon

Steve is a guy I met through the STICK webite (SteveOhio) and the hospitality has been unrivaled. And that’s considering I spent a night at a place whose SOLE FUNCTION was hospitality. Not shabby. After all, tomorrow is another day. So is next Thursday. Big deal.

Speaking of big deals, I present THE STATS!!!

Miles: 152.9 / 3,448.7

Money: -$6.24 / -$1,368.49

Rounds played: 2 / 20

Courses played: 2 / 12

5/30

4:06pm – Back on the road. I swear to God, I was ready to stab a person in the neck with a tuning fork to get wireless internet. I had little notes on scraps of paper that were in my car and tent, and I was trying to assemble a coherent blog. No such luck.
Virginia is very uninteresting. I had to pay $15 to go on Skyline Drive, which is supposedly a very nice road. I saw many many trees on this road, which I can see in NJ for free. So I took pictures, more out of spite than because it was particularly nice.

Gotta justify that $15 somehow

10:32pm – It is unfathomable how excited I am about being in a hotel room tonight. Admittedly, it’s $35 I hadn’t had to spend so far in my foul-smelling overheated tent, but the bed itself is enough to pay the money. How people lived before electricity is beyond me. Because, don’t forget, before electricity was before disc golf. Yikes.
I think humans got gypped on alot of things. Our dependency on technology has soiled us as a species. The humans of millions of years ago were bigger, stronger, and overall less susceptible to global overtaking (baboons are planning a revolution, mark my words). But really, I think our dependency on technology has really just handicapped us in the Darwinian evolution process. For instance, will we EVER develop mandibles? I mean, seriously. We made forks. We were SCREWED the moment we did that.
Anyway, here are some pictures taken from a FREE road I traveled to get here, which is in Cambridge, OH.

And let’s see how we got here.
Miles: 551.1 / 3,295.8
Money: -$152.79 / -$1,384.26
11:00pm – HAHAHA! I just got my second donation, from Mr. JayMar, who has sponsored Fats by paying for the three piece suit picked up in Cape Coral. Thank you sincerely for that generous donation, plus $2 shipping and handling. Seriously, I can’t possibly conceive why I still have S&H on my donations. It’s either my webmaster still not having taken time to look at it, or PayPal is officially being moronic. I’ll play the good friend and blame PayPal. But Jaymar, thanks man! I love SPECIFIC donations. Like if someone gives me $5 and says “You must buy Taco Bell with this”, by gum you’ll see a picture of me eatin’ a Cheesy Hexagon. Maybe you’ll see a picture of me in that classy suit.
Oh, and Mitch, everyone alive says hi. It just makes things easier.
Money: +15.77 / -$1,368.49

Memorial Day 5/29

All right, it’s time to try (in vain, quite likely) to recap the last six days from memory, which was often times clouded under the influence of various things that were quite tasty. My stats are already quite inaccurate because I often made spontaneous bets of a dollar over quite frivolous things (I bet I can throw that ring on that post… I didn’t). But it was quite satisfactory.

But first, it’s time to talk about today. Literally after the first round of the entire tournament, I knew I was out of cash. So I was just playing for fun… and preservation of my body. My feet are now so callused that walking barefoot through the woods is actually preferable to playing in those boots. I’m very concerned for the rest of my time here. The first round was again on the Darkside (where I posted a 60 yesterday) and I improved slightly with a 59. But the round was much more solid – I was even after 7 holes and finished off with 6 pars, so those last five strokes were in five consecutive holes. D’oh! Second round, I said “Screw you shoes” (directly to the shoes, with unnecessary vibrato) and I played the whole round in Cons with no socks. And I shot my tournament-best 54 on the Sunnyside (which was, for pro, all right).

Here’s the surprising thing about this weekend: consistency. It’s never been more forte. In fact, it hasn’t even been my fifte (stupid esoteric joke alert – a little late). But for 4 rounds of golf, I threw 8 birdies, only 3 5’s (two of which were OBs). The rest was decent, steady, consistent golf. My putting was consistently bad (though got better progressively each round), and my driving was the only thing that was inconsistent. I was overall pleased with how I played. And coming in the top 16 in Tiki was nice.

Mike “The Mose” Moser won the tourney in a playoff. Here is a picture of him.

Now, about The Grange in general: this is the place to be. I’ve always liked Paw Paw, but this place just has a little extra something. Most call it the Jacuzzi. And the arcade games (though I couldn’t get Ice Cold Beer to work properly). And the Tiki course. And the SHOWER (that was clutch). It was truly a spectacle. If you only go one place next year, it’s probably because you’re in jail.

Me and gracious uber-host Mike Trapasso

All right, let’s see if I can mangle some stats:

Money: -$23 / -$1,231.47
Rounds played: 2 / 18 (1 tiki / 20)

5/28

To expound upon later: 1^st round – all good drives (1000 rated golf) nothing after that. Ups and putts sucked. Missed 6 within 20’. 2^nd round worse – scrambled for 3’s. Second to last card. Worse yet – tiki tournament. Semifinals. Got a nifty shirt – lost. Good playing. Had a lead. Gave it up. Lost because of a stupid 3’x3’ plastic fake pool that was “Out of Bounds” that I hit on the 2^nd to last hole. Lost by one. Stupid crappity crap. That was potentially $250 I threw into that pool. Or wait, $500 for first. I have no faith in myself.

Big thanks to CROMWELL, my first major sponsor of my trip, with a huge $20 for my travels. That will go a long way, and hopefully not to putting, as no amount of money could save me from my dreadful putting.

I swear, my kingdom for a connection.

Battery draining. Must sleep. Must play well tomorrow. Must not kill a kitten with a stray shot. I’m so tired.

Yes, a real chicken

JG “Papa Stick” is actually the Burger King mascot. Who knew?

(Posted after a drunken 45 minutes set of accordion-based classic rock. I’ve been told, “I’ve never heard the accordion sound so cool before”)

Money: +4 (yeah Cromwell!!!!) / -$1,208.47
Rounds played: 2 / 16 (tiki 3 / 19)
Aces: 1 (tiki) / 4

5/27

11:21pm. Battery low – much to report. I have played well lately and I’m all geared up. Played mixed dubs with Tiffany, a girl who just picked up the game a few months ago. First round was best score (we used mine on all 18 holes) and the second round was best disc (we used maybe 5 of her shots the whole round) Good for a beginner, that Tiffany. But we came in 4^th (of 6) in the division, so that was sweet. CASHED! I lost in Hold’em to A4 when I had AJ. But I assume that luck will stop here and now. The biggest news is that there’s a tiki-tournament. Over 100 players. After the first three qualifying rounds, your ole’ Fats is still in it. I’m in the Sweet 16. Finals tomorrow (BIG payout!!!) Who knows, might cash after all. I even took out Tizzle (MTL) in the second round with a couple of huge 50’ comebackers.

Tiki Hole 1 – aced twice this weekend

Miles: 0 / 2,744.7

Money: -$36 / -$1,212.47

Rounds played: 2 / 14 (4 tiki / 15)

Aces: 1 (tiki) / 3

5/26

I am not even positive what day it is, I suppose that is the greatest indication as to how my week is going. I have played The Grange, and I’m ready for tournament time. I wish I had more to report, but considering it will be five days (at best) before this gets posted, I think I have time to kill. I should be relaxing and letting my ankle get to the point where it doesn’t swell every time I walk on it, but hey, it’s The Grange. And now, everyone’s favorite part, the stats:

Miles: 0 / 2,744.7

Money: -$20 / -$1,176.47

Rounds played: 3 / 12 (tiki – 3 / 6)

Courses played: 1 / 10

5/25

9:25pm – I think I have reached Mecca, by which I mean the Grange. It is truly a spectacle of disc golf and pointless entertainment. I’ve scored my first ace in almost four years (even though it was on the short par-2 tiki course) and I feel pretty good about my chances. I now have $15 riding on this weekend. When did I become a gambler? Who knows?

Heaven on Earth

Really late – All right, my first cash. And my first ace. All bowled up into my first experience at The Grange. I played the tiki course (a short putting course in the woods) and I aced #7 my first go-round. Then I got invited to a $10 game of Hold ‘em. I came in 2^nd of 9, and had I not been tired of playing and gone all in on 9-5 suited, I might have won the entire thing. Oh well.

I’m starting to talk with a drawl and I’ve only been in VA one day. That can not, under any circumstances, be good.

Miles: 230 / 2744.7

Money: -$45.00 (including the $10 I won) / -$1156.47

Rounds played: 1 / 9 (and 3 tiki rounds)

Courses played: 2 / 9

5/24

8:48am – Finally heading out (about an hour late). One last memory for the road.

3:13pm – You know a ride is boring when the highlight is seeing “HiFi Hotspot” on a billboard, so that I could go online to post that that has been the highlight of this leg of the journey. I actually can’t wait until I get into the back roads of small middle-America towns, as I think I’m going to find a lot more adventure there.
And guess what?

This one was OPEN and delicious!

This entry has been brought to you by: the stats.

Miles: 820.6 / 2,514.6

Money: -$79.25 / -$1,111.47

5/23

4:39pm – So M&M and I head off to do some shoppin’ at the local consignment shops and to finally get some disc golf in. We first hit a consignment shop where I purchased a Sportscenter book, I forget the title. It was $1. I love Florida used prices. Then we hit another shop where I managed to purchase a COMPLETE 3-piece suit for $13.77 (tax included). That’s right, it was an amazing deal. If I don’t woo the ladies now, then really, not much has changed.
And that’s where our good fortune ended. We hit a gas station store to pick up some munchies before we played, and Mitch managed to buy cookies with moths flying INSIDE the packaging (he didn’t notice in the store). We get to the course, the wonderful North Fort Meyers Community Park, and believe me, I say “wonderful” in the most sarcastic tone imagineable. On the very first hole (marked 250′), I threw my DYEnamic Buzzz for the nice little anhyzer hole with a pond about 40′ past the basket. I ended up throwing the disc at about 60% so as not to go long. Well guess what? It not only went in the water, it went about 40′ into the water. Yes, that’s right – I threw 330′ with a midrange at 60%. OR: the course was mismarked. Big surprise, as the course was a miserable concoction to begin with. We forgot (or rather didn’t feel like expending the energy) to take pictures of this southern wildneress. It was impenatrable rough, hardly a fairway bigger than 5′. Mitch lost his favorite 2-year old Buzzz, his go-to disc. We saw snakes slithering across the teepad. It was not a fun experience. We quit after 6 holes (the first and only time I’ve quit a course because it just sucked so bad). I think Mitch said it best when he said: “This course gets more thumbs down than I have thumbs.”
If anyone who designed the N. Fort Meyers course reads this, I hate to say bad things and I try to apologize for negativity, but I want to punch you in the neck.
For the rest of the day, it looks like relaxing, eating reheated lasagna, and playing some low-key games.
And one last time:

RIP: 2006-2006

11:39pm – For any family or others who would be weirded out by me talking about personal details of my life, please discontinue reading. For all you other sickos, welcome. I thought I knew pain. I thought I knew what it was like to be in pain. I have had a 10lb metal plate fall on my head. I’ve taken injections into my lower back. I’ve taken a frying pan to the forehead. I dated a Scorpio. But no. When I sprayed IvyDry (which is known to sting) onto ALL of my poison ivy, I felt as if my scrotum had been staple-gunned to the front end of an ocean liner. My God. Person number two I want to punch in the neck: God. Since I assume it was He who made poison ivy.
We finished playing Racetrack Canasta and my mother and I were victorious. Wow, this is what my rockin’ rebellious trip has been reduced to – playing old people games and gloating over my victories. I think that bodes poorly on my chances of cashing on this trip.
What has made me feel better tonight?

And now, the stats:
Miles: 43.9 / 1694.1
Money: -$23.49 / -$1032.22
Courses played: 1 / 8
Rounds played: 1 / 8

5/22

9:18am – Interesting start to the day. M&M and I were primed to go to one of the two Fort Meyers disc golf courses that we’d located. I wake up to find a note saying they’ve absconded with my car and are going to the doctor. Now see, if I were to choose, I would DEFINITELY pick a disc golf course over a doctor’s office, but that’s just me. Hopefully, it’s not about the cases of sunburn we all received. But it very well could be.

3:27pm – After a little delay, we set out to find the Bay Oaks Disc Golf Course in Fort Meyers. We hit it and after only three holes, we were told that we aren’t allowed to play during school hours since the kids don’t want a driver to the face during recess. What’s the matter with kids today? So we got out of there (I stupidly left my Wraith out there and it was gone when we came back) On the way home, we stopped at a putt-putt course, and played two rounds. I won the first round over Mitch n’ Marsha by 1 stroke. Mitch whomped us the second round, with me playing lefty and Marsha not feeling well. Bravo.
Along the way, Marsha had help from a little friend.

That little guy managed to push the ball a few inches toward the hole before Marsha moved the ball and took her stroke. It was pretty amazing. We’re preparing ourselves for a lasagna dinner and then off to the casino tonight!

midnight – So something occurred to me as I was squandering some of the $95.95 that I would end up losing at the casino. And that thought was: “HEY! You don’t like slot machines! Stop putting money in them!” When at a casino, I like table games: let it ride, blackjack, even roulette. This casino only had ONE table game: hold’em (which I like), but not tournament style (I like tournament style) So there was not time at which I was up any money. There was a time fairly late in the day when I was only down $30, and I should have cut my losses, but I get spiteful when I’m upset at my luck. So I squandered money that I don’t particularly have in order to… I don’t know, have something to bitch about when I got back to the computer. So I hope all three of you that read this heed my warning: slot machines suck. Hopefully back on the course tomorrow so I can do what I came down here to do – get more skin ailments. Let’s see some stats (today/total)

Miles: 36.5 / 1650.2
Monies: -$101.95 / -$1,008.73
Courses played: ??? (we only played 3 holes, I don’t think that counts)
Skin maladies: 3 (poison ivy, chigger bites, and sunburn)