Velcro poodle to Jimmy Hoffa. Now check your GPS and let authorities know where you are. Next, let’s find DB Cooper!
Put poodle in hammock. Loop two long strands of Velcro around the sides of the hammock. Pull back as hard as you can. FIRE! The poodle might just slide off. After all, you put him in a hammock, not a slingshot, dummy.
Search your heart. Did you find anything? Was it a poodle? Was it a poodle and Velcro? Was it our calendar? Was it us? Are we in your heart? What are we doing in there? We’re mining your plasma.
Go to Buckingham Palace. Swap the guard’s hats out with poodle hats with Velcro straps. See if the guy with dog allergies keeps his job.
Velcro a poodle to your space bar. Okay, take it off. That wasn’t a great idea.
Roll poodle into a very small ball. Cover with white Velcro. Paint on red stitching to disguise the air holes. Sure, spitballs and emery balls are illegal, but nobody said anything about poodleballs. Be prepared to install extra shelves for your Cy Young awards.
Split your poodle in half. Now split those halves in half. And once more. And once more. Keep going until you can’t see any poodle remains. Now do the same to your Velcro. You’re finally free!
Make a large Velcro sheath for your poodle, so you can draw her when the situation arises. You know, a situation that would require immediate access to a dog. Like a wedding. Or a caucus. Or a massacre.
Do you love experimental street art and explosions? First cover the local municipal buildings with velcro. Next – REDACTED – and then you only have to worry about bugs after the thaw!
Line the bowling alley with poodles as bumpers. Cover the lane with Velcro to protect those poor pups! Declare bankruptcy for your bowling alley, which was, we’re sorry to say, not well thought out.
Velcro your seventh grade diary to your poodle just before launching him into space. Wait until the new Space Force finds your poodle and reads how perfect you would be for their team. That’s right – your seventh grade diary is your perfect resume.
Place your poodle on Mona Lisa’s lap. Place a strip of Velcro over her lip like a handlebar mustache. Now she’s a supervillain.
Find a doctor that does house calls. Invite him to your house. Now surround him with poodles so he’s repelled to the center of your room. Release your velcro trap! You’ve caught your first doctor!
A poodle a day keeps the doctor away. A Velcro a day makes it so the doctor physically can’t get away.
Velcro poodle to Niobium. Yes, Nb. Atomic number 41. No, Columbium was the old name. ColumbiUM not Columbian. Now I don’t even remember what you were doing. I guess just magnetize your poodle and give the niobium to someone that needs a superconductor. Oh right. I was going to make a pun with the word conductor.
Collect outrageous taxes from the peasants. Turn them over to Constable Poodle for hookers and blow. Impose tariffs on Velcro. Outrage the allies. The power feels good, doesn’t it? Wage war on the disenfranchised. Not a bad morning.
Velcro your poodle’s favorite snack to the back bumper of your car. Drive around the block slowly allowing your poodle to chase the treat. Reward your pup’s walk with said treat. Do again the following day and increase the speed by a half mile per hour. Keep it up until your poodle can beat a cheetah.
Tie up the hostage with extra-strength Velcro. Give the other hostage a poodle. See if Stockholm syndrome is really just appreciation for being treated nicely until your victim gets rescued.
Line the walls of your crawlspace with plastic then fill with water. Now that you have an indoor pool, inflate the sales price of your home until you can afford something fitting for all the treasures you’ve built with poodles and Velcro. Display them proudly in your new home, then line your new home with plastic and experience the joys of aquatic living.
Teach your poodle sign language. If he continues to bark, Velcro his stupid trap shut. Seriously, if he can’t ask for biscuits quietly, he doesn’t deserve them.