Month: July 2018

Velcro goggles, a pipe, gears, a mustache, a steam powered backpack, a zepellin, a hybrid crossbow-revolver, a steel flask, one weathered copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, and a pith helmet to your poodle. Hooray! Now you’re twinsies!

Enter the underworld and taste the ripened poodle fruit that Hades offers. Find yourself Velcroed to the ground, never able to leave, never able to rescue your sweet love – yourself. Then realize that story was about pomegranites. Wake up, shake the cats out of your pomegranite tree, and dine on the dewy seeds. You’re never going anywhere, now.

Don’t you feel like you could sleep forever? Well now you can – in your very own luxurious and soft poodle coffin! Just velcro yourself inside and relax in eternity’s embrace.

Ask your Freud-bot poodle whether you meant “sexy bitch” as an ambiguous allusion to your mother. Stab out your own eyes with velcro or celebrate depending on the answer.

Filter all of Freud’s writings through a chat bot. Velcro said chat bot to poodle. At the next family dinner, ask that sexy bitch to speak. That’ll show your dad what’s what.

Build a mountain of poodles. If you want to use Velcro, great. If not, use your divine abilities. Now consider how you did that. Are you a god or a demi-god? Take our buzzfeed quiz: Now that I have divine powers, should I give Kevin and Derek infinite wealth and happiness? You won’t believe the answer!

Velcro poodle into Pet Cemetary. Handy bookmark! Note: this will actually work with most printed books but can break your tablet. Use this method with caution!

Encourage two of your poodles to chase cats into trees. Now, construct a Velcro net between the two. When the cat falls from the tree, hopefully it’s caught by the poodles. This will be so cute, people will purposely put cats into all of your trees. And that’s how you protect your pomegranite tree from birds.

Wait for all of the glaciers to melt into the sea and for sea levels to rise to such a point that all of our coasts are no longer liveable. While waiting, construct your Poodle Ark, simply by Velcroing watertight poodles together into the form of a giant ship. But better do it quickly. You’ve only got a week.

Mommy and daddy poodle deserve appreciation, too. Here’s a great way to show you care: Cook some macaroni. Now leave out for days until it grows some furry mold. Velcro a heart to a card and pour the furry macoroni onto it. Note: Do not eat furry macoroni.

A toblerone is better than a normal chocolate bar because of it’s shape. The same can be achieved with your poodles simply by using velcro and the “Puppy Centipede Method.” Wait, where are you going?

Have you followed all our instructions without question? Sounds like you may be perfect for our Poodles & Velcro Special Persons Club / Army! Simply send us $50 or more to our address and, if you qualify, expect your acceptance within 7 days to 7 years! Pro-tip: the more money you send, the better chance you have of ascending to a higher rank!

As you know, your poodle has an immortal soul (theton caninicus) velcroed inside his or her furry body. Through the right work detailed within next year’s calendar, “Velcronetics,” you can begin to unlock your poodle’s innate creation abilities. Only $19.95 if you order now.

Velcro poodle inside an ornate fortune telling arcade cabinet. Now, put a quarter in the cabinet and wish to be “big”. Wait there for about twenty years and then come to the crushing realization that life is not like the movies.

Find a cute baby poodle and freeze him. Velcro a papal hat to him. Tell your poodle all your darkest secrets. Past pardoned by papal poodle popsicle!

Train your poodles to code. Have them code an app for android and iphone called “Velcro” that keeps your phone attached to any surface just by sticking it there. Now you’re magic!

Shave two poodles until they have a traditional lion cut. Velcro a nametag to one poodle that says “Simba” and another that says “Scar.” Now walk them around the Disney Studio lot circa 1992-93 making sure to take lots of photos. Copyright said photos.

Velcro poodle’s front paws to stakes at one end of the Grand Canyon. Stretch him and attach rear legs to stakes at the other end. Congratulations, Wile E Cayote! You’ve just made a catapult that’s sure to catch Roadrunner!

Cell phone not working? Here’s a cheap life hack. Teach a thousand poodles to speak. Then velcro them in a long chain to whoever you text most. Now simply play “telephone” with your poodle party line whenever you need to talk with that special someone.

Wait for the other shoe to drop. It could take some time. While you and your poodle wait, why don’t you Velcro a tall, refreshing glass of Mr. Pibb cola drink into your hand? Mr. Pibb cola drink: the mouth-watering beverage that’s so good, you’ll wish the other shoe never dropped. Ever.