May 28, 2018

Sure, our soldiers need praise for their hard work. But let’s also take this time to remember the countless hot dogs and hamburgeers who have nobly sacrificed their lives on this very day, every single year. If you don’t have a bell to toll ten times in tribute, flog your poodle ten times with Velcro. The howls will commemorate our fallen meat products. Don’t forget the condiments.

May 22, 2018

Remove all your bones and replace them with the bones of your poodle. Now I know what you’re going to say: “My poodle’s so much smaller! I’ll be all floppy with those tiny, tiny bones.” Astute observation, reader, but did you know that dogs have at least 111 more bones than people? After you patch yourself up with some Velcro, you’ll be really good at the limbo because, guess what? You were totally right: flop city.

May 20, 2018

I’m sorry to hear about your dog’s untimely passing, but let’s make some lemonade out of those lemons. Take your ex-poodle and put him in a very weathered coffin with W. Shakespaw engraved on the side. Velcro old parchment that says “I wrote all Shakespeare’s plays” on underside of coffin lid. Bury the coffin somewhere in Stratford-upon-Avon. Hope to god someone eventually digs it up or you just wasted a ton of time, money, and poodle.

May 16, 2018

Show you are better than Richard Gere by Velcroing a full poodle into your anal cavity. Take X-rays to prove it. Then go on Snopes and realize there is no validity to the Richard-Gere-Shoved-a-Gerbil-Up-His-Butt myth. You just shoved a poodle up your butt for nothing. Failure? Or just the start of your road to redemption? You decide.