Velcro treats to your face. Walk into a poodle breeder’s and finally get that affection you’ve been craving.
Practice basketball a lot. Velcro two poodles to your cheeks as mutton chops. Audition for the Harlem Globetrotters. If you don’t make the cut, audition for the Washington Generals.
Name your poodles: Stocks, Bonds, Bull, and Bear. Start a blog about them and see if they can predict the market. Maybe they will! I don’t know how the market works. Use the Velcro to post daily updates, I guess. I don’t know how blogs work.
Sure, our soldiers need praise for their hard work. But let’s also take this time to remember the countless hot dogs and hamburgeers who have nobly sacrificed their lives on this very day, every single year. If you don’t have a bell to toll ten times in tribute, flog your poodle ten times with Velcro. The howls will commemorate our fallen meat products. Don’t forget the condiments.
Tired of losing in the box-office because you’re not a Marvel adaptation, nor, in fact, a movie? Velcro poodles over your eyes and ears and enjoy your new-found solitude and ignorance.
Start an Instagram account for your poodle, who you should name Jennifur Pupson. Start a rival Instagram account for your Velcro, which you should name Hook and Loop Fastenicki Manaj. Take identical photos of each to see who hits one million followers first. My money’s on the underdog, which is, oddly enough, not the dog.
Find a wardrobe that leads to Narnia. Velcro a camera to your poodle, then throw the dog in there. After a week, call for your pup to return. Now, let’s see what Aslan has been hiding.
Find some new Dead Sea Scrolls. Velcro poodle to the sequel to Revelations to make the Bible even Biblier.
Velcro skates or skateboard to your poodle’s paws. Now, have your poodle skate outside while you run behind on a leash.
Remove all your bones and replace them with the bones of your poodle. Now I know what you’re going to say: “My poodle’s so much smaller! I’ll be all floppy with those tiny, tiny bones.” Astute observation, reader, but did you know that dogs have at least 111 more bones than people? After you patch yourself up with some Velcro, you’ll be really good at the limbo because, guess what? You were totally right: flop city.
Fill the Grand Canyon with poodles. Velcro the top until it’s nice and level. Wait for your parade.
I’m sorry to hear about your dog’s untimely passing, but let’s make some lemonade out of those lemons. Take your ex-poodle and put him in a very weathered coffin with W. Shakespaw engraved on the side. Velcro old parchment that says “I wrote all Shakespeare’s plays” on underside of coffin lid. Bury the coffin somewhere in Stratford-upon-Avon. Hope to god someone eventually digs it up or you just wasted a ton of time, money, and poodle.
Velcro a poodle over your driver’s license photo. Hand it to the police officer that just pulled you over. When the cop looks back up, make sure to be wearing your poodle costume. The officer will laugh and laugh. Just in case, have the costume made from kevlar.
Change your name legally to the beeping sound that is used to censor cuss words. You’ll be the hottest topic on cable channels. Use your newfound celebrity to get an endorsement deal with Velcro and the EPA. Now you don’t have to keep paying for all those poodles and all that Velcro to complete the rest of the calendar.
Velcro immortal poodles to the perimeter of a large lazy-susan, approximately 2 feet in diameter. Velcro dog treats to each dog’s bottom just out of reach of the dog behind them. Now affix the lazy-susan to a flour mill, forge, or even a small transportation system. Perpetual motion machine!
Show you are better than Richard Gere by Velcroing a full poodle into your anal cavity. Take X-rays to prove it. Then go on Snopes and realize there is no validity to the Richard-Gere-Shoved-a-Gerbil-Up-His-Butt myth. You just shoved a poodle up your butt for nothing. Failure? Or just the start of your road to redemption? You decide.
Velcro a tinfoil hat to your poodle. Tell the poodle all of your secrets without fear that the government will read the poodle’s thoughts. Hooray for secular confessions!
Find a motion sick poodle. Velcro to your arm. Now you have a valid excuse to stop jogging.
Tell me what democracy looks like! THIS is what democracy looks like! Tell me what democracy looks like! THIS is what democracy looks like! Tell me what democracy looks like! Oh, my fault, I’m not being specific. Tell me what democracy looks like! Poodles and Velcro are what democracy looks like!