April 28, 2018

Look. We can only help you if you want to be helped and it seems like you don’t want to be helped. You want to go outside and get food because otherwise you’ll starve, fine! That’s your business. But we did warn you, they’re on to you. They’re on to all of us. Velcoodleflies and Mayvelkitties abound. It is literally cats and dogs and flies out there. Just.. just velcro your door shut and everything will be fine tomorrow. One more day of fasting. How bad can that be?

April 27, 2018

Are the headphones helping? Good. Now that you can’t hear the chaos outside, let’s make this a relaxing day. This is a YOU day. Let’s ignore the empty refrigerator and the blood and fur on the windows. Relax. Breathe in. Think of cute poodles. Breathe out. Think of velcroes. Breathe in – poodles. Breathe out – velcro. Breathe in… Why are you thinking about getting caught?!

April 26, 2018

Good, good. You’re still reading this. That’s great. We thought maybe you’d be upset about the muffled explosions you and everyone are hearing outside along with the hordes of yelping and the weird shadows playing across your windows. You know what will help with that? Headphones! This is an easy one. One long strip velcro, two poodles. Did we do this before? Who cares! It’s so simple, even you can’t screw it up!

April 21, 2018

Yes, we watch the news. We’re sorry that you’re a serial bomber now. But look, you took care of business. We’re proud of you. No one’s even noticing the hordes of Velcoodleflies now that they have to avoid explosive Mayvelkitties! So, just in case, take one of your teleport pods and put it in Tijuana. Now destroy any evidence of poodles, velcros, and kittens.

April 20, 2018

Sorry. Sorry, that got out of hand. We’re all feeling a bit of pressure. Luckily, you’re terrible at following simple instructions and you didn’t burn anything. So… take your teleporter – this time check it thoroughly for flies. Hopefully you found a mayfly. Keep that thing in there. Now, put a piece of loop velcro in one pod and a cat in the other. Throw the switch! Now you’ve got yourself a Mayvelkitty. You’re going to want to wire that thing to explode before letting it out the window.

April 19, 2018

So, science was wrong here. Not me. It turns out velcoodleflies can breed and fast! In just five days, that swarm has more than trippled. You’re going to want to burn this calendar – unless it’s digital. Then we have a problem. Rather than point fingers, how about help me come up with a solution, okay? No, you choke on your velcro and have poodles eat your dead corpse!

April 17, 2018

Did you… did you kill your Velcoodlefly? I mean, I know it’s cute, but the thing is an aberation. And someone’s going to find out you did this. Look, this is your fault for not using proper storage techniques for your teleporter. How could we have seen this coming! That’s truly unfair. You could have skipped ahead a few days and decided to ignore April 14th. What’s done is done. Now you have to kill it. What do you mean you let it fly out of the house? You left that window open on purpose. Now all of the people with the calendar are going to have Velcoodleflies breeding! What are we going to do???

April 16, 2018

Okay, so it turns out you did get some fly in your Velcoodle. I wish there were an easier way to tell you this, but you’re going to need to catch him before he begins vomitting on everything he wants to eat. Luckily, he’s bred for easy capture. Just hang the opposite side of the velcro – likely the loop end – like fly strips. Voila! You’ve captured your I-should-never-have-tampered-with-nature mistake!

April 12. 2018

Velcro poodle to the end of a thirty foot long stick. Repeat. Wait for Trump to build his wall. Now put on a puppet show for Mexico. It’ll be a great puppet show. And nobody puppets better than you, believe me –and you’ll puppet them very inexpensively. You will puppet a great, great show on our southern border and Mexico will pay for that show. Mark my words.