That siren sound you’re hearing is the feds. So, remember that teleporter pod you set up? It’s time to use it! Throw the switch, zip to Mexico, become a Calendarreaderfly and watch a puppetshow at Trump’s Wall. Isn’t ilfe marvelous?
Yeah, so… I’m not going to lie. That Mayvelkitty swarm thing did not just go away. And the cops were asking who was receiving this calendar. I didn’t talk, but they have my computer. There’s probably a lot of racy poodles and velcro erotica for them to plow through before they find the contact list. I bet you have at least a week.
Look. We can only help you if you want to be helped and it seems like you don’t want to be helped. You want to go outside and get food because otherwise you’ll starve, fine! That’s your business. But we did warn you, they’re on to you. They’re on to all of us. Velcoodleflies and Mayvelkitties abound. It is literally cats and dogs and flies out there. Just.. just velcro your door shut and everything will be fine tomorrow. One more day of fasting. How bad can that be?
Are the headphones helping? Good. Now that you can’t hear the chaos outside, let’s make this a relaxing day. This is a YOU day. Let’s ignore the empty refrigerator and the blood and fur on the windows. Relax. Breathe in. Think of cute poodles. Breathe out. Think of velcroes. Breathe in – poodles. Breathe out – velcro. Breathe in… Why are you thinking about getting caught?!
Good, good. You’re still reading this. That’s great. We thought maybe you’d be upset about the muffled explosions you and everyone are hearing outside along with the hordes of yelping and the weird shadows playing across your windows. You know what will help with that? Headphones! This is an easy one. One long strip velcro, two poodles. Did we do this before? Who cares! It’s so simple, even you can’t screw it up!
There is absolutely no reason to look at the news at all today. Instead, lets do indoor crafts. Can you make a cats cradle? How about a poodle cradle using just velcro, a poodle’s intestine, and your imagination?
Isn’t life grand! I’m so glad we’re all in a good mood. Let’s watch a nature documentary about poodles and not go look out the window at all. Use your velcro to catch yourself a furry snack!
April 23rd, determination and stability are your greatest qualities! In honor of the Taurus, spread out some velcro like the Taurus constellation. Now get some poodles. Notice how this looks absolutely nothing like a bull? But you saw it through and this knowledge didn’t break you. Determination and stability. See, horoscopes are real.
It’s April 22nd! Just a lazy day. Time to stretch out in bed. Let your favorite poodle curl up next to you and open your book to where you left the velcro strip as a bookmark. You deserve a break!
Yes, we watch the news. We’re sorry that you’re a serial bomber now. But look, you took care of business. We’re proud of you. No one’s even noticing the hordes of Velcoodleflies now that they have to avoid explosive Mayvelkitties! So, just in case, take one of your teleport pods and put it in Tijuana. Now destroy any evidence of poodles, velcros, and kittens.
Sorry. Sorry, that got out of hand. We’re all feeling a bit of pressure. Luckily, you’re terrible at following simple instructions and you didn’t burn anything. So… take your teleporter – this time check it thoroughly for flies. Hopefully you found a mayfly. Keep that thing in there. Now, put a piece of loop velcro in one pod and a cat in the other. Throw the switch! Now you’ve got yourself a Mayvelkitty. You’re going to want to wire that thing to explode before letting it out the window.
So, science was wrong here. Not me. It turns out velcoodleflies can breed and fast! In just five days, that swarm has more than trippled. You’re going to want to burn this calendar – unless it’s digital. Then we have a problem. Rather than point fingers, how about help me come up with a solution, okay? No, you choke on your velcro and have poodles eat your dead corpse!
Here’s the good news: Velcoodleflies are more like mules than they are like donkeys, In other words, they can have sex all they want but they aren’t going to repopulate. Your best option is to burn all the evidence of your teleporter and wait for the plague of Velcoodleflies to pass.
Did you… did you kill your Velcoodlefly? I mean, I know it’s cute, but the thing is an aberation. And someone’s going to find out you did this. Look, this is your fault for not using proper storage techniques for your teleporter. How could we have seen this coming! That’s truly unfair. You could have skipped ahead a few days and decided to ignore April 14th. What’s done is done. Now you have to kill it. What do you mean you let it fly out of the house? You left that window open on purpose. Now all of the people with the calendar are going to have Velcoodleflies breeding! What are we going to do???
Okay, so it turns out you did get some fly in your Velcoodle. I wish there were an easier way to tell you this, but you’re going to need to catch him before he begins vomitting on everything he wants to eat. Luckily, he’s bred for easy capture. Just hang the opposite side of the velcro – likely the loop end – like fly strips. Voila! You’ve captured your I-should-never-have-tampered-with-nature mistake!
Give poodle to your boss. Expect a promotion tomorow. Oh, right. Forgot to mention the velcroed camera and the blackmail.
Get one of those The Fly inspired teleportation devices. Now, instead of transporting yourself and accidentally getting a fly in the mix, transport a poodle and _purposefully_ get some velcro in the mix. Now you can skip a step in many of these calendar entries!
Doors to Valhalla closed, Eirik? Nigh is the hour for the Poodle Legion to rain fury on the mortal province. And lo, the velcro chariot approaches to shepherd thee to the empyrean beyond.
Velcro poodle to the end of a thirty foot long stick. Repeat. Wait for Trump to build his wall. Now put on a puppet show for Mexico. It’ll be a great puppet show. And nobody puppets better than you, believe me –and you’ll puppet them very inexpensively. You will puppet a great, great show on our southern border and Mexico will pay for that show. Mark my words.
Fill poodle with illegally obtained fentanyl. Velcro poodle to Tesla and wait for Elon Musk to send it into space. One more win in the opium war. You’re a hero.