Smash the patriarchy. Of course, since we’re still largely a society that devalues women and continues to view them as objects for conquest, this may have to be more metaphorical. So Velcro a ‘patriarchy’ sign to a poodle and, you know, have at it.
Unless you happen to be living in the pre-Eli Whitney era, you already missed the chance to invent the best thing. However, you’re still able to invent gin cotton, a highly alcoholic fabric. If you’re stuck as to how to go about inventing this, the first three ingredients are a white poodle, Velcro, and a tiny, portable distillery. I get a 10% finder’s fee, payable in either cash or gin cotton sweaters.
Train the poodle to sing the entire Queen library. Dig a hole at least 500 feet deep. Gently lower poodle on a Velcro tether as she sings “Under Pressure”. Why teach the pup the rest of Queen’s library, you ask? C’mon, you’ll have a dog who can sing “Fat Bottom Girls”! At least until she implodes.
Find a sine wave. A cosine wave will do in a pinch. Velcro poodle to wave. You’ve somehow managed to make trigonometry less comprehensible!
Sneak dog into casino, go to roulette table. When no one is looking (as happens all the time in casinos) Velcro a magnet under green 00. Bet everything you have on it next spin. As you celebrate your miraculous luck, have the poodle quietly remove the Velcro and then return inconspicuously to your trench coat. Go to an In-and-Out Burger to celebrate. Buy it while you’re there.
Attach a half-mile long piece of Velcro to poodle. Fire from trebuchet. Pull dog back, reload, fire. Saves a TON on ammunition.
Cover entire yard with strips of Velcro. Perform an elaborate rain dance. If it doesn’t actually rain cats and dogs, then just chuck some poodles out in your backyard so you can feel better about your mad dancing skillz.
Hire the best intellectual property attorney available. Trademark the term ‘woof’ and all variants. Velcro trademark documentation to an ill-tempered poodle. Bring it to dog parks to rile up some trouble. Sue the owners of every reactionary dog within earshot.
Velcro Eeyore’s tail back on. Use poodle to create a jealous rift in Pooh and Piglet’s relationship. It’s all checks and balances, baby.
iPhone cover. Note: might make it harder and more socially questionable to fit in your pocket.
Velcro poodle to the United States’ growing deficit. People will be so distracted by the deficit’s cuteness that they’ll forget all about the unfathomable financial hole we’ve dug for future generations. (Note: may have to replace every 10-15 years or else people will be in for quite the shock.)
Roll poodle into a ball. Use it to play hacky sack. What’s the Velcro for? To make extra strappy sandals, you dirty, dirty hippy.
Velcro handlebars right below nose. Power-lift a poodle. Single-handedly bring back Vaudeville.
Is your poodle in heat? Velcro her high up on the side of a grain silo. More humane than spaying but equally effective. Also works with teenagers!
This will help combat tomorrow’s impending St. Patrick’s Day hangover. When drinking, Velcro poodle over your mouth. It will act as a sieve and keep all the tannins and hops away. Also good for a good diet supplement, a cure for biting your fingernails, and an effective way to commit suicide for those who aren’t in such a rush.
Velcro pup to rings of Saturn. You won’t be able to see him, per se, and he’ll probably get pulverized by high-speed passing detritus, but at least you can say you tried.
Remember that bouncy paper clip cartoon character from Microsoft Word that had a strange habit of trying to help you write letters no matter what you typed? Man, that thing was annoying. *sigh* Make fencing out of Velcro. More humane than an electric collar for your poodle.
Velcro wings to poodle. Charter a plane. Throw puppy from 30,000 feet. Shake your head disappointedly. Works best if your dog is named Icarus. If your dog is named something else, like Wendell, then good job, you just committed canicide.
Find a big band. Replace the drummer’s brushes with strips of Velcro and his heavy sticks with poodles. Now “Pennsylvania 6-5000” sounds so much more interesting. And potentially dangerous!
The newest playground game: tetherpoodle.