January 1, 2018

Hi. Happy New Year and welcome to a new edition of Poodles and Velcro. We here at P&V heard a few complaints about our last calendar and this year we aim to fix those problems. If you were one of the few who had trouble with our previous daily suggestions, pay attention – this entry is tailored specifically for you. (*On the other hand, if you were, as we expected, of minimal or better intelligence, you probably already figured this out – so feel free to wait twenty-four hours and enjoy the next P&V entry.) The number one complaint we heard from a noisy subset of unsavvy was: “My poodles won’t stick to this Velcro.” Now I know within 365 days, most of you figured out the simple solution to this problem, but for those of you who couldn’t (Alex from Cincinnati, pay attention) here are the easy steps: #1) Purchase our 365 Manipulations of Physics and the Temporal World calendar. #2) Go to June 10th’s entry to learn how to combine household ingredients [Dish detergent, Bath Salts* (*the drug), and a Perpetual Motion Device* (*June 9th’s entry in P&TW)] to create a time machine. Now simply select an appropriate era to begin breeding your poodles to have smaller and smaller rings of fur. You can aim for either the “hook” or the “loop” and use the corresponding style of Velcro to match. If you were even remotely competent with your time machine, this process is already done and you may now remember completing our last calendar with little to no trouble. Thanks so much and enjoy your daily dose of Things to do with Poodles and Velcro! (Alex from Cincinnati, we apologize that you are now stuck in time and the box full of hate mail we found buried under our company’s hearth does nothing to help your particular situation. We are seriously thinking about not publishing our follow-up to P&TW – “So, You’ve Destroyed the Natural Order of Things.”)