Give the poodle a haircut by pulling strips of Velcro to remove the fur. You can also give the pup a Brazilian this way depending on the strictness of your morals.
Velcro voting boundaries to the backs of poodles. Bring about the end of gerrymandering. It’s not going to change the state of racism in America, but it might help.
Destroy the incriminating evidence. Plant tons of Velcro in the poodle’s kennel. You’re off scot-free and you’ll save a ton in kibble after the indictments.
Feeling homicidal and manic? Boil water, add Velcro and poodle, and steep for ten minutes. Now, didn’t that process help you feel more grounded? Don’t forget to leave your neighbor’s home looking like you were never there.
One-up Davy Crockett and his stupid coonskin cap. You’ll get way more likes and retweets than he did, even in his heyday.
Waffle-maker cleaning brush.
Velcro poodle into airtight box. Slowly vacuum the air from the box. It’s kinda like Schrödinger’s cat but with less ambiguity.
Dentures for children’s hospitals. (Note: You will need some consent forms.)
String Velcro between two trees over a campfire. Affix poodle to the strip and start the fire. Rotate as needed. Remember, small fires! You’re not trying to roast the pup, just warm him up a little bit. It’s cold up in them mountains.
Hipster ice cream flavor.
Place two strips of Velcro together. Make sure you ask their consent first. After all, you can’t just go around grabbing ‘em by the poodle.
Sick of being two steps ahead of television mysteries where they have to catch the killer before they strike next? Velcro a poodle to your glasses. Now you’re the next sleuth star! (Coming soon to broadcast networks everywhere.)
Soap-on-a-rope (of dubious effectiveness).
Is your inflatable-wavy-guy not drumming up enough business? Velcro a poodle to each hand and watch the crowds form!
Velcro a particularly robust poodle to the side of a small capsule. Secretly launch it with the fastest rocket available. It should overtake the New Horizons probe by 2050. Imagine the looks on those NASA guys’ faces when they find a live poodle in deep space. It may seem like a long time for a gag, but the payoff will be so worth it.
Hi. Happy New Year and welcome to a new edition of Poodles and Velcro. We here at P&V heard a few complaints about our last calendar and this year we aim to fix those problems. If you were one of the few who had trouble with our previous daily suggestions, pay attention – this entry is tailored specifically for you. (*On the other hand, if you were, as we expected, of minimal or better intelligence, you probably already figured this out – so feel free to wait twenty-four hours and enjoy the next P&V entry.) The number one complaint we heard from a noisy subset of unsavvy was: “My poodles won’t stick to this Velcro.” Now I know within 365 days, most of you figured out the simple solution to this problem, but for those of you who couldn’t (Alex from Cincinnati, pay attention) here are the easy steps: #1) Purchase our 365 Manipulations of Physics and the Temporal World calendar. #2) Go to June 10th’s entry to learn how to combine household ingredients [Dish detergent, Bath Salts* (*the drug), and a Perpetual Motion Device* (*June 9th’s entry in P&TW)] to create a time machine. Now simply select an appropriate era to begin breeding your poodles to have smaller and smaller rings of fur. You can aim for either the “hook” or the “loop” and use the corresponding style of Velcro to match. If you were even remotely competent with your time machine, this process is already done and you may now remember completing our last calendar with little to no trouble. Thanks so much and enjoy your daily dose of Things to do with Poodles and Velcro! (Alex from Cincinnati, we apologize that you are now stuck in time and the box full of hate mail we found buried under our company’s hearth does nothing to help your particular situation. We are seriously thinking about not publishing our follow-up to P&TW – “So, You’ve Destroyed the Natural Order of Things.”)