May 22, 2018

Remove all your bones and replace them with the bones of your poodle. Now I know what you’re going to say: “My poodle’s so much smaller! I’ll be all floppy with those tiny, tiny bones.” Astute observation, reader, but did you know that dogs have at least 111 more bones than people? After you patch yourself up with some Velcro, you’ll be really good at the limbo because, guess what? You were totally right: flop city.

May 20, 2018

I’m sorry to hear about your dog’s untimely passing, but let’s make some lemonade out of those lemons. Take your ex-poodle and put him in a very weathered coffin with W. Shakespaw engraved on the side. Velcro old parchment that says “I wrote all Shakespeare’s plays” on underside of coffin lid. Bury the coffin somewhere in Stratford-upon-Avon. Hope to god someone eventually digs it up or you just wasted a ton of time, money, and poodle.

May 18, 2018

Change your name legally to the beeping sound that is used to censor cuss words. You’ll be the hottest topic on cable channels. Use your newfound celebrity to get an endorsement deal with Velcro and the EPA. Now you don’t have to keep paying for all those poodles and all that Velcro to complete the rest of the calendar.

May 16, 2018

Show you are better than Richard Gere by Velcroing a full poodle into your anal cavity. Take X-rays to prove it. Then go on Snopes and realize there is no validity to the Richard-Gere-Shoved-a-Gerbil-Up-His-Butt myth. You just shoved a poodle up your butt for nothing. Failure? Or just the start of your road to redemption? You decide.