Find some new Dead Sea Scrolls. Velcro poodle to the sequel to Revelations to make the Bible even Biblier.
Velcro skates or skateboard to your poodle’s paws. Now, have your poodle skate outside while you run behind on a leash.
Remove all your bones and replace them with the bones of your poodle. Now I know what you’re going to say: “My poodle’s so much smaller! I’ll be all floppy with those tiny, tiny bones.” Astute observation, reader, but did you know that dogs have at least 111 more bones than people? After you patch yourself up with some Velcro, you’ll be really good at the limbo because, guess what? You were totally right: flop city.
Fill the Grand Canyon with poodles. Velcro the top until it’s nice and level. Wait for your parade.
I’m sorry to hear about your dog’s untimely passing, but let’s make some lemonade out of those lemons. Take your ex-poodle and put him in a very weathered coffin with W. Shakespaw engraved on the side. Velcro old parchment that says “I wrote all Shakespeare’s plays” on underside of coffin lid. Bury the coffin somewhere in Stratford-upon-Avon. Hope to god someone eventually digs it up or you just wasted a ton of time, money, and poodle.
Velcro a poodle over your driver’s license photo. Hand it to the police officer that just pulled you over. When the cop looks back up, make sure to be wearing your poodle costume. The officer will laugh and laugh. Just in case, have the costume made from kevlar.
Change your name legally to the beeping sound that is used to censor cuss words. You’ll be the hottest topic on cable channels. Use your newfound celebrity to get an endorsement deal with Velcro and the EPA. Now you don’t have to keep paying for all those poodles and all that Velcro to complete the rest of the calendar.
Velcro immortal poodles to the perimeter of a large lazy-susan, approximately 2 feet in diameter. Velcro dog treats to each dog’s bottom just out of reach of the dog behind them. Now affix the lazy-susan to a flour mill, forge, or even a small transportation system. Perpetual motion machine!
Show you are better than Richard Gere by Velcroing a full poodle into your anal cavity. Take X-rays to prove it. Then go on Snopes and realize there is no validity to the Richard-Gere-Shoved-a-Gerbil-Up-His-Butt myth. You just shoved a poodle up your butt for nothing. Failure? Or just the start of your road to redemption? You decide.
Velcro a tinfoil hat to your poodle. Tell the poodle all of your secrets without fear that the government will read the poodle’s thoughts. Hooray for secular confessions!
Find a motion sick poodle. Velcro to your arm. Now you have a valid excuse to stop jogging.
Tell me what democracy looks like! THIS is what democracy looks like! Tell me what democracy looks like! THIS is what democracy looks like! Tell me what democracy looks like! Oh, my fault, I’m not being specific. Tell me what democracy looks like! Poodles and Velcro are what democracy looks like!
Velcro poodles to all of your windows. Check the corresponding window whenever you hear a bark. You’ve just created your first inefficient alarm system!
Paint poodle gold and Velcro to bottom of cauldron. Place cauldron at end of rainbow, guarded by a sextet of auditors wielding 1099-MISC tax forms.
Photograph poodle at night against dramatic backdrops like meteor storms, a car fire, or a ferris wheel. Velcro photos to your coat. Now you’re a gallery.
DID YOU KNOW? You can rearrange the letters of ‘poodles and Velcro’ to spell ‘scalded provolone’, and ‘lads love co-ed porn’. Now you know.
Find host Peter Sagal and velcro a poodle-gag in his mouth. Win at Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! At least, I assume that’s how you win.
Wrap Velcro tightly around the poodle’s paw to stop the bleeding. Wrap the poodle around your own leg to stop the bleeding. Vow to never play ping pong again.
Build a computer where the ones are Velcro and the zeros are poodles. Keep a treat in your back pocket in case of Skynet.